Going to a comedy show? Good! Now, shut the hell up!!!

If you've decided to plunk down some of your hard earned cash and go see a live comedy show, that's awesome!  Thank you so much for supporting live comedy!  Without you, clubs would close and we'd have no place to perform.  You rock!  Now, shut the hell up.

Seriously, I'm not kidding.  Shut up.

Obviously, we encourage you to laugh when the comedian says something funny.  Feel free to answer IF the comedian asks a question.  Other than that nobody in the room, including the person you came with, gives a flying fig that what the comic said on stage is true around your house, or in your life.

Of course it's true, that's the idea.  That's why it was funny in the first place.  There's usually an element of truth in every joke.  It's likely true for 80%, or more, of the people in the room.   That's why you heard the whole room laughing.  But...the comic made a joke about it, everyone laughed... and now you feel the need to explain it to the people you came with, and everyone around you that's unwittingly within earshot?? Stop.

Please. Just. Stop.

Stop talking during the show!

Whether you know it, or not, you're a heckler.  A heckler isn't just someone who taunts a comic, or says mean things.  A heckler is anyone who talks, and/or continues to talk, while a comedian is doing his/her set.

You may think no one else can hear you, but you're probably drunk and you're definitely WRONG!

And before we go any further, I know...you paid for a ticket, you should be able to talk if you want to.

Bullshit.

First, you, and everyone else in the audience paid to see the COMEDIANS talk and perform.  No one paid to see or hear YOU.  Besides, why are you special?  By that argument, everyone else in the room should be talking right along with you.  That would make for a great show, wouldn't it?  Uh, no.

Second, pretty much every event/venue, including major sports games, concerts, etc. has rules (stated and/or implied) when purchasing a ticket about what you cannot do...even though you paid for a ticket.  Virtually every comedy show you go to has an announcement in the beginning asking you to silence your cell phones and NOT TALK during the performance because it DISTRACTS the comedians and other members of the audience.

I should note there's a big difference between distracting the comedians and distracting the audience.  When you distract the audience, you make the experience that much worse for them.  At that point, you're probably too unaware of anything around you, but they will let you know by turning their heads towards you when you comment, or even by shushing you.

When you distract the comedian, it's usually because you're so loud and/or incessant that you're already distracting the audience...and then it's open season on you.  They'll do a little more than just shush you.  You've awoken a sleeping dragon.

At that point, anything that a comic says when having to "handle" you is exactly what you deserve.  You have interrupted the performance, chosen to BE the show and now the comic has every right to let you know.  You are truly at the mercy of the comic, who, by the way, may choose to be as nice as possible to you because the owner of the club doesn't want them to destroy your ego and risk people not coming back.  It's tough for you to know it in the moment, but many times the comic is metaphorically fighting with their hands tied behind their back.

And, many times they're not:

Todd Glass - handling a heckler (NSFW)

What you're not realizing is that comics practice their routines as much as they possibly can to make sure the right emphasis is put on the right word, or to make sure the timing is correct.  Except for some killer improvisational lines that come up from time to time, comedy routines need to be practiced and practiced over and over.  Even Robin Williams, who seems completely off the cuff, has to practice because just rambling on stage isn't necessarily going to be funny all the time.

So, when heckling, you've now ruined that timing by not knowing when, or how, to keep your mouth shut.

Then there's the argument that a professional comic should be able to handle it all.  Most of us can, but why should we have to, to the detriment of our act and the rest of the audience?  Why do you want to be the person that tests us?

If you're making that argument, you clearly don't know the difference between a comic's set, crowd work, and handling hecklers.

Speaking of crowd work, that's where a comic purposely talks to people in the crowd; asks them questions, etc.  It's designed to get responses that the comic can riff on.  Some comics are great at it, some avoid it like the plague.  Regardless, there is a design to it; it's still not an open invitation to chatter on and on, or shout at the comic.

Magicians talk to the audience, too.  Many ask for volunteers.  Do you go to magic shows and scream out, "How do you do that trick?"

Again, stop talking.  Please.

If after all this, you still decide to go toe to toe with the comic, you should know you're embarrassing yourself and your date/party, and you're that much closer to being ejected from the room.  Seriously, if you won't shut up after the comic throws out a couple of lines at you, or if you keep coming back for more throughout the show, most clubs will eject you and maybe not give your money back.

And let's say you got the best of the comic because they're a little less experienced.  Great.  Good for you.  What did you accomplish?

You stopped the flow of the show, made a comedian feel bad, gave everyone in the audience a queasy feeling, and made it that much harder for the next comic because the audience isn't in the same mood anymore.  Good job.  You rock.  Do you go to minor league baseball games and heckle the kids for not being in the majors?  Did you not get enough love as a child?

Stop talking.

In defining types of hecklers, many times it gets amplified because of the person's alcohol intake.  Drinking is what might prompt you to call out in the first place; it's what has you continue to talk and get your point across when admonished; it's why you're so loud; it's why you're possibly slurring; it's the reason you, who normally wouldn't speak in front of a group if your life depended on it, try to go up on stage and take the microphone; and, in some cases, it's the reason you throw things at, or try to fight the comedian.

To that I say, learn to hold your liquor, or stop drinking.  You have a problem if you get that drunk in a public setting.  And for God's sake, have a designated driver.

TYPES OF HECKLERS:

Constant Talker - This person is usually with a group of people and they're trying to be the life of the group.  Many times it's at a fundraiser show with those big circular tables from wedding banquets.  For whatever reason, these types of tables lend to people talking more at shows.

Surprisingly, many times, the constant talker has a completely different agenda than being at a comedy show.  Their ramblings have nothing to do with what the comic's saying on stage.  The more they drink, the louder they get, and the more oblivious they are to their surroundings.  The drunk ones don't realize that everyone else in the room can hear them.  The sober ones just don't care.

The Helper - This is a classic misconception.  As with the Constant Talker, the Helper doesn't think they're a heckler.  They think they're helping the comic and the show.  You're not.  You're an asshole.  Please stop talking.

Loudly telling everyone around you that what the comic said is true, and then expanding on it with your table doesn't help the show.

Doing your own personal call back by shouting out a catch phrase, character name or punchline from earlier in the comic's set doesn't help either.  In fact, you may have just ruined the comic's ability to use a better timed call back they have set up later in their routine.

When Andrew Dice Clay was on the come back trail a few years ago, he did a show at the Tropicana Showroom in Atlantic City for 2,000 people.  Do you know how annoying it was for everyone when some ass clown kept shouting for Dice to do the nursery rhymes?

Giving a fake answer to a comic is stupid, too.  We know, you thought we couldn't possibly go on with our routine if no one answered that they've recently been to Disneyland when we asked.  But in helping us, you failed to realize we were prepared to go on whether anyone answered or not; we've done this once or twice before.  And, now, because you answered, to enhance the bit we might decide to go back to you for more answers regarding the trip you never actually took.  Then you'll be stumbling and stammering to come up with replies to questions you don't have answers to, you idiot.

A subset of The Helper is The Teacher.  The Teacher feels the need to correct a comic's joke if it's not exactly true.   The reason it's a subset, and not it's own category is that usually The Teacher thinks they're helping by correcting, but generally in a show there's not a lot of call for correcting.  I've yet to hear about, or see, a person consistently correct comics throughout a show.  Whether you do it a little or a lot, you're not helping and you're not teaching; you're just a tool.

Punchline Jumper - There is a special place in Hell reserved for you if you're a Punchline Jumper.  Besides the fact that shouting out a punchline throws off the comic's timing, many times you don't have the right punchline, so you completely ruin the joke.

Stop trying to prove how smart you are to everyone around you.  Yes, sometimes punchlines are telegraphed, you can see them coming, but that's what makes them funny.  Regardless, you didn't come up with the the joke, you didn't tell the joke, and you damn sure aren't the reason people came to the comedy show.  So, why do you get to try to steal the comedian's thunder and jump the punchline??

Again, for the love of all that is holy...shut the hell up!

Table Concierge/Bill Calculator - Many people are just loud talkers, so they order loudly.  This is something that happens, and we deal with it.  However, for some reason, there are people who decide they're going to handle the ordering at the table for everyone.  So, rather than everyone being able to whisper their order to the waitress as she comes around, they have to first tell the "concierge" what they want across the table, and then he/she has to loudly, impressively order for everyone.

Or, when the bill comes and you swear you didn't order four mozzarella stick appetizers, but rather only three, the show has to stop so you can alert everyone of this egregious error.  Look, the waitress doesn't want to stay any longer than she has to, but she'd much rather you tell her about an error after the show then try to explain it to her in a dark room while a show is going on.  She's very aware that it's a comedy club, and she doesn't like standing at your table having a long conversation with you while she blocks other patron's view and people can hear your conversation.  It's $5.95 for the love of Pete.  Wait a couple of minutes.

The original hecklers from The Muppets

Lots of times hecklers don't stay in just one category.  You have to figure if someone is going to call out during a show, they're going to probably run the gamut with what they're willing to say.

I once did a show and had a table of Constant Talkers to my right.  Suddenly, during the set up of a joke, I stated a current event and the ringleader, the newly self-appointed Helper, piped up, "That's true!  I just read that," so loud that everyone in the room could easily hear it, let alone the people at her table.

I'm not going to bore you with the details, but suffice it to say she also became The Teacher, The Punchline Jumper and Table Concierge.

Now, at the risk this post came off like a whiny comic bitching and complaining, I have no problem handling hecklers.  I've shut hecklers down using as few as four words, as well as going a couple rounds until the audience declared a TKO, and the person had no choice but to stop talking.

And, I recognize that heckling isn't going to go away in live comedy; and I don't want it to go away totally.  It can be fun, and it gives you experience as a comic.  I just want more people to be aware of how to behave when they go to a show, and be more aware of who they're affecting.

The bottom line is that if you're talking at a comedy show, unless you're answering a specific question the comic asked you, you're a heckler.

So, zip it, Sparky.

******

Here's a great show to go to: Craig Shoemaker, The LoveMaster in NJ before he retires from road gigs at the end of the year!