Joke Thieves

If you look up the definition of comedian, or stand up comedy, you'll read all about performing.  There is not one mention of writing, or performing "one's own material."

Yet, unless you're a late night talk show host, it's pretty much an unwritten rule of stand up comedy that your set is supposed to be your own, for the most part.

Of course there are comics who use the occasional "two guys walk into a bar" type jokes that they obviously didn't write themselves.  And, there are a few comics who buy jokes from writers or other comics...however, those jokes are supposed to only be used by the comic who bought them.

For the most part, your set is supposed to be your own; something pretty much only you do on stage, the product of jokes and stories that you created.

Yet, I constantly hear about joke thieves...comics who steal other comics' jokes and bits.

Why steal jokes?  More importantly, why do you want to get the reputation for being a thief?

Okay, back in the day when times were different, if you were a Vaudeville, or, later, a Catskills, comic, you were expected to keep coming up with new jokes and routines, almost nightly.  Still, joke stealing was frowned upon, and caused many a physical fight.

I know, Milton Berle used to be infamous for lifting a joke from other comics.  That doesn't mean the other comics liked it.

Click here for a link to a Time Magazine article about Patton Oswalt's take on joke thieves, based on his June 2013 blog post titled "A Closed Letter To Myself About Thievery, Heckling And Rape Jokes."

Click here for Patton Oswalt's blog post in full.

Actually, in doing what minimal research I do for my posts, when I came across Mr. Oswalt's post, I started to feel like this post might be considered stealing from his post.

So, just know that I started writing this post based on my personal experiences and conversations with other comedians BEFORE I read Oswalt's post.

Patton Oswalt is one of my favorite comedians working today; he's brilliant.  Really, you should stop reading my post and read his right now.  Then YouTube him for countless hours (two of my favorite clips are "comedy magician" and "Stella Dora"), buy a CD/DVD/download, and then buy two tickets to his next show in your area.

Patton Oswalt - he'll bust a cap in your ass if you steal his jokes

In his post, it's clear Oswalt abhors joke thieves, and he offers some insightful reasons as to why comics might steal jokes.  But, I'm still not satisfied.  I really want to know why this happens.

I'm not talking about accidentally doing the same premise, or even the situation Oswalt describes where he misremembered having come up with a joke early in his career that was really a joke he saw another comic do on TV.

In fact, I'm not even talking about the purposeful pilfering of one joke.  I don't condone that, it's still stealing, but I'm talking about something else.

I'm talking about the continual stealing of jokes, and, worse yet, whole bits or segments.

Why would you do that?

Before I ever got into standup, I could recite George Carlin's A Place For My Stuff album verbatim, voice inflections and all.  Big fat hairy deal.  How many clubs would I have gotten into if I just went up and recited Carlin's act?  And let's say I got passed by some younger bookers/owners who didn't recognize the bits.  Eventually, someone would've said something.  I'd either never get booked again, or have one chance to shit or get off the pot with my own material...and I'd fail miserably if I was relying on reciting stolen routines.  

George Carlin - A Place For My Stuff (whole album)

That's what a joke thief is, someone who can recite other people's stuff.  A thief apparently thinks so little of themselves, and also doesn't care about the other comic(s) they steal from, either.  The other comic came up with the bit, worked it out at open mics, and got it to the point where it made the audience laugh.  The thief just takes the fruit of all that labor without putting in any of the actual labor.

The joke thief would have probably taken steroids if they played professional baseball.  Anything to get an edge.  Actually, that analogy doesn't work, because professional ball players have put in the work.  They already have talent, they're just looking to enhance it.

Then there's the thief who does the stolen material IN FRONT of the comic they stole it from!!  WTMF is that???  Who has that kind of balls??  And why?  Are they trying to get caught?  Beat up?  What?

Sometimes, a thief takes a bit and forgets where they got it from.  Sometimes they inadvertently end up working with the comic they took the bit from, and SURPRISE!  That's why you should always watch the show, no matter which slot you have.  You're always looking out for someone doing the same premise as you, so you can acknowledge or avoid it when you go up.  And, apparently, you also need to know if the comics before you took your shit and did it ahead of you.

But, I've heard of thieves taking jokes from comics they're working with that week and using the comic's jokes in front of them the next night!!!  Wow.  Why don't you kick their dog and take a shit on their shoe while you're at it?  I'm not sure if that's total, obnoxious arrogance, or total, obnoxious ignorance, but it's something.

I want to know, are joke thieves oblivious to the reputation they get, or do they just not give a shit?  Does the potential for getting laughs outweigh the concern of being liked by your peer comics?

I wish I could tell you that owners have standards when it comes to stealing.  Some do, most don't.  If the thief is getting laughs, the owner is typically happy.  If you complain, most times you will be told to deal directly with the thief, as it's not the owner's problem.

If you're worried about people stealing your jokes, one of the things I've heard over and over again from comics is to make your jokes as personal to you as you can.  If you're a 40-something divorced African American woman with two devilish kids, that's something a 30 year old white guy can't make his own.  Now, if that same woman just did topical humor, or did typical male vs. female or black vs. white humor, her jokes would be more susceptible to being stolen.

In the grand scheme of Wars On (insert your issue here), joke thieves won't insight the masses like the Wars On Guns, Drugs or Christmas.  However, the results will be the same.  Christmas isn't going away, kids.  Neither are joke thieves.

I think we, as comics, should speak up whenever we see it happening.  I'm not advocating getting into a fight because you saw Sally Smith do Bob Jones' set on going to the movies.  And I'm certainly not saying you should say something based on hearsay.

I know there's a fear of repercussion if you confront the thief, or even tell the manager/owner.  Even so, shouldn't you at least tell the comic whose jokes were stolen?

I get it.  We're usually conditioned to not get involved, to look the other way.  But as hard as this business is to break into, to get paid, to make a living and to go beyond that, shouldn't we at least consider policing and protecting our chosen profession?

What if you were the comic who had their stuff stolen?

Are you a "cringe comic"? If so, why?

As news broke of Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling's disturbingly racist voice mail to his girlfriend, it brought to mind some recent stuff I had seen in the comedy world.

I'm noticing a lot of newer comics trying to shock the audience, make them cringe; some using racial slurs under the guise of comedy.

Lots of times, it seems like becoming a comic gives someone a false sense of power from the start.  Make no mistake, when you have the microphone and you're up on stage, you do have some power.  It's up to you how much you have and how you use it.

Many comics can't handle that much power that quickly (this is the part where you keep mentally quoting Uncle Ben in Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility.").  So many new comics over-curse (cuss?), partly because they don't have great material and partly because they just want to say "fuck" 400 times.  It's like the microphone and stage are a license to... well...shock people; make them cringe.

The problem is when cringe isn't funny.  If you were shockingly funny, that would be a thing.

But you're not.  Most new comics aren't.

And when you're not, you walk people, you piss people off, and you don't get paid gigs.

Rape seems to be the new "airplane food" among new comics, male and female.  My question is, "Why?"  If you're trying to get a killer five minute set, expand to ten minutes, audition at a club with a guest set, or get a paid MC gig, is you're "brilliant" take on rape going to work for that?

If you said yes, you're either a complete moron, or you really do have a tried and true brilliant rape set that both men and women laugh so hard at they need oxygen.  I'm betting on the former.

The same thing goes for white people using the N-word.  Just stop.  You're embarrassing yourself, or worse.

My buddy Richie Redding is a white comic that grew up playing urban rooms; he has over eleven years experience in those rooms.  He spent the last few months opening for Katt Williams around the country.

Urban audiences LOVE Richie, and Richie NEVER uses the N-word.  And, he wouldn't dare use the word.  Yet, he, of all people, might be able to get away with it.

Richie says his jokes are "racial, not racist."  He says the key is to show himself as vulnerable and to "joke up" rather than "talk down" to his audience.  He says it wouldn't work if he came from the standpoint of "It's like this."

I honestly can't do justice to the conversation I had with Richie (I'm not a goddamn reporter, I didn't tape the conversation, what do you want from me?), but you don't have to be a genius to see that eleven years of urban rooms, topped off with opening for one of the hottest urban comics in the country means Richie knows what he's talking about.

Talking to Richie, he said newer comics seem to point to Louis C.K., who does a bit on the N-word, in which he says the actual word a lot, as justification for why they use it, or why they go for the cringe, in general.

Richie shares a lot of veteran comics' views when he says there's a huge difference...because Louis C.K. has been working for thirty years, has a following, and, oh yeah, he's funny.

 Louis C.K. on the "N-word"

CAUTION: he says the actual word!  A lot.

Comparing yourself to Louis C. K. is like going golfing once a week for a few months and comparing yourself to Tiger Woods.  Comics like Louis C. K. are in the major leagues, and you're playing T-ball, if you'll permit me to mix sports metaphors.  I'm not saying you won't get there, I'm saying you have quite a long while to go.  

You have to keep your eye on the prize, long term.  If you're in comedy to become the next C. K., the next Richie Redding, or the next headliner at your local club, you can only do that when you get consistent gigs.

Look, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your thing, and I'm certainly not advocating censoring comics.  If you really want to be a cringe comic, I'm not qualified to tell you that's not right.  Have at it, if it's your calling.  But, you need to know two things:  1.  Above all, it has to be funny, and, 2.  You're going to have a long road to hoe because it's tougher to get booked, and keep getting booked, if you're going for the cringe factor.

And, most newer comics aren't qualified to self-determine if something's funny or not.  If you've ever gone on stage with a joke, bit, or set that bombed then you know my previous sentence is true.

I'll give you a hint:  if people aren't laughing, it's not funny.  If people are walking out, it's not funny.

Furthermore, you have to grasp the concept that if you walk even just two people, you potentially walked the whole room.  Sure, some people are easily offended, but to get up and walk out of a show they paid a ticket for means something.  The reasons the rest of the people haven't walked could be because maybe they are hoping the next comic(s) will be funny, maybe they personally don't like to raise a stink...they avoid conflict in their lives, could be they plunked down some hard-earned cash and want to get the full show for their money, or maybe this was a rare night out and they didn't want to end it early by leaving part way through the show.

Whatever the reason, all of the people that stayed saw the people get up and walk out of the show in the middle of your set, even if it was only one couple.  That changes to atmosphere of the room.  It's now awkward.

That escalated quickly

Congratulations.  Not only is the owner mad at you for costing him/her food and drink money in the short term and loss of customers in the long term...that couple, and probably others, won't be coming back...you've also fucked up the show for the other comics on the bill.  Now, the next comic has to dig out of a hole you created.  He or she almost HAS to acknowledge what happened and may have to rip on you to win the audience back...neither of which was in their planned set nor may play to their comedy voice/stage persona.  

In my opinion, the way to be a cringe comic is to ease into it; don't try to do it right out of the gate.  If you have a really good five or ten minute set, high amount of laughs per minute, then you can start to add some of your more shocking jokes, little by little.  Eventually most of your set will be cringe jokes that will be tried and true, FUNNY jokes.

BONUS:  you'll ALSO have already created a club worthy, fundraiser worthy, dare I say corporate gig worthy set as well...so you can get all kinds of bookings.

If after reading this, you're still a dyed in the wool cringe comic then I wish you good luck.  I want every comic to succeed.  Just don't be upset when you aren't getting booked; and please, do us all a favor...stop comparing yourself to famous comics.

Going to a comedy show? Good! Now, shut the hell up!!!

If you've decided to plunk down some of your hard earned cash and go see a live comedy show, that's awesome!  Thank you so much for supporting live comedy!  Without you, clubs would close and we'd have no place to perform.  You rock!  Now, shut the hell up.

Seriously, I'm not kidding.  Shut up.

Obviously, we encourage you to laugh when the comedian says something funny.  Feel free to answer IF the comedian asks a question.  Other than that nobody in the room, including the person you came with, gives a flying fig that what the comic said on stage is true around your house, or in your life.

Of course it's true, that's the idea.  That's why it was funny in the first place.  There's usually an element of truth in every joke.  It's likely true for 80%, or more, of the people in the room.   That's why you heard the whole room laughing.  But...the comic made a joke about it, everyone laughed... and now you feel the need to explain it to the people you came with, and everyone around you that's unwittingly within earshot?? Stop.

Please. Just. Stop.

Stop talking during the show!

Whether you know it, or not, you're a heckler.  A heckler isn't just someone who taunts a comic, or says mean things.  A heckler is anyone who talks, and/or continues to talk, while a comedian is doing his/her set.

You may think no one else can hear you, but you're probably drunk and you're definitely WRONG!

And before we go any further, I know...you paid for a ticket, you should be able to talk if you want to.

Bullshit.

First, you, and everyone else in the audience paid to see the COMEDIANS talk and perform.  No one paid to see or hear YOU.  Besides, why are you special?  By that argument, everyone else in the room should be talking right along with you.  That would make for a great show, wouldn't it?  Uh, no.

Second, pretty much every event/venue, including major sports games, concerts, etc. has rules (stated and/or implied) when purchasing a ticket about what you cannot do...even though you paid for a ticket.  Virtually every comedy show you go to has an announcement in the beginning asking you to silence your cell phones and NOT TALK during the performance because it DISTRACTS the comedians and other members of the audience.

I should note there's a big difference between distracting the comedians and distracting the audience.  When you distract the audience, you make the experience that much worse for them.  At that point, you're probably too unaware of anything around you, but they will let you know by turning their heads towards you when you comment, or even by shushing you.

When you distract the comedian, it's usually because you're so loud and/or incessant that you're already distracting the audience...and then it's open season on you.  They'll do a little more than just shush you.  You've awoken a sleeping dragon.

At that point, anything that a comic says when having to "handle" you is exactly what you deserve.  You have interrupted the performance, chosen to BE the show and now the comic has every right to let you know.  You are truly at the mercy of the comic, who, by the way, may choose to be as nice as possible to you because the owner of the club doesn't want them to destroy your ego and risk people not coming back.  It's tough for you to know it in the moment, but many times the comic is metaphorically fighting with their hands tied behind their back.

And, many times they're not:

Todd Glass - handling a heckler (NSFW)

What you're not realizing is that comics practice their routines as much as they possibly can to make sure the right emphasis is put on the right word, or to make sure the timing is correct.  Except for some killer improvisational lines that come up from time to time, comedy routines need to be practiced and practiced over and over.  Even Robin Williams, who seems completely off the cuff, has to practice because just rambling on stage isn't necessarily going to be funny all the time.

So, when heckling, you've now ruined that timing by not knowing when, or how, to keep your mouth shut.

Then there's the argument that a professional comic should be able to handle it all.  Most of us can, but why should we have to, to the detriment of our act and the rest of the audience?  Why do you want to be the person that tests us?

If you're making that argument, you clearly don't know the difference between a comic's set, crowd work, and handling hecklers.

Speaking of crowd work, that's where a comic purposely talks to people in the crowd; asks them questions, etc.  It's designed to get responses that the comic can riff on.  Some comics are great at it, some avoid it like the plague.  Regardless, there is a design to it; it's still not an open invitation to chatter on and on, or shout at the comic.

Magicians talk to the audience, too.  Many ask for volunteers.  Do you go to magic shows and scream out, "How do you do that trick?"

Again, stop talking.  Please.

If after all this, you still decide to go toe to toe with the comic, you should know you're embarrassing yourself and your date/party, and you're that much closer to being ejected from the room.  Seriously, if you won't shut up after the comic throws out a couple of lines at you, or if you keep coming back for more throughout the show, most clubs will eject you and maybe not give your money back.

And let's say you got the best of the comic because they're a little less experienced.  Great.  Good for you.  What did you accomplish?

You stopped the flow of the show, made a comedian feel bad, gave everyone in the audience a queasy feeling, and made it that much harder for the next comic because the audience isn't in the same mood anymore.  Good job.  You rock.  Do you go to minor league baseball games and heckle the kids for not being in the majors?  Did you not get enough love as a child?

Stop talking.

In defining types of hecklers, many times it gets amplified because of the person's alcohol intake.  Drinking is what might prompt you to call out in the first place; it's what has you continue to talk and get your point across when admonished; it's why you're so loud; it's why you're possibly slurring; it's the reason you, who normally wouldn't speak in front of a group if your life depended on it, try to go up on stage and take the microphone; and, in some cases, it's the reason you throw things at, or try to fight the comedian.

To that I say, learn to hold your liquor, or stop drinking.  You have a problem if you get that drunk in a public setting.  And for God's sake, have a designated driver.

TYPES OF HECKLERS:

Constant Talker - This person is usually with a group of people and they're trying to be the life of the group.  Many times it's at a fundraiser show with those big circular tables from wedding banquets.  For whatever reason, these types of tables lend to people talking more at shows.

Surprisingly, many times, the constant talker has a completely different agenda than being at a comedy show.  Their ramblings have nothing to do with what the comic's saying on stage.  The more they drink, the louder they get, and the more oblivious they are to their surroundings.  The drunk ones don't realize that everyone else in the room can hear them.  The sober ones just don't care.

The Helper - This is a classic misconception.  As with the Constant Talker, the Helper doesn't think they're a heckler.  They think they're helping the comic and the show.  You're not.  You're an asshole.  Please stop talking.

Loudly telling everyone around you that what the comic said is true, and then expanding on it with your table doesn't help the show.

Doing your own personal call back by shouting out a catch phrase, character name or punchline from earlier in the comic's set doesn't help either.  In fact, you may have just ruined the comic's ability to use a better timed call back they have set up later in their routine.

When Andrew Dice Clay was on the come back trail a few years ago, he did a show at the Tropicana Showroom in Atlantic City for 2,000 people.  Do you know how annoying it was for everyone when some ass clown kept shouting for Dice to do the nursery rhymes?

Giving a fake answer to a comic is stupid, too.  We know, you thought we couldn't possibly go on with our routine if no one answered that they've recently been to Disneyland when we asked.  But in helping us, you failed to realize we were prepared to go on whether anyone answered or not; we've done this once or twice before.  And, now, because you answered, to enhance the bit we might decide to go back to you for more answers regarding the trip you never actually took.  Then you'll be stumbling and stammering to come up with replies to questions you don't have answers to, you idiot.

A subset of The Helper is The Teacher.  The Teacher feels the need to correct a comic's joke if it's not exactly true.   The reason it's a subset, and not it's own category is that usually The Teacher thinks they're helping by correcting, but generally in a show there's not a lot of call for correcting.  I've yet to hear about, or see, a person consistently correct comics throughout a show.  Whether you do it a little or a lot, you're not helping and you're not teaching; you're just a tool.

Punchline Jumper - There is a special place in Hell reserved for you if you're a Punchline Jumper.  Besides the fact that shouting out a punchline throws off the comic's timing, many times you don't have the right punchline, so you completely ruin the joke.

Stop trying to prove how smart you are to everyone around you.  Yes, sometimes punchlines are telegraphed, you can see them coming, but that's what makes them funny.  Regardless, you didn't come up with the the joke, you didn't tell the joke, and you damn sure aren't the reason people came to the comedy show.  So, why do you get to try to steal the comedian's thunder and jump the punchline??

Again, for the love of all that is holy...shut the hell up!

Table Concierge/Bill Calculator - Many people are just loud talkers, so they order loudly.  This is something that happens, and we deal with it.  However, for some reason, there are people who decide they're going to handle the ordering at the table for everyone.  So, rather than everyone being able to whisper their order to the waitress as she comes around, they have to first tell the "concierge" what they want across the table, and then he/she has to loudly, impressively order for everyone.

Or, when the bill comes and you swear you didn't order four mozzarella stick appetizers, but rather only three, the show has to stop so you can alert everyone of this egregious error.  Look, the waitress doesn't want to stay any longer than she has to, but she'd much rather you tell her about an error after the show then try to explain it to her in a dark room while a show is going on.  She's very aware that it's a comedy club, and she doesn't like standing at your table having a long conversation with you while she blocks other patron's view and people can hear your conversation.  It's $5.95 for the love of Pete.  Wait a couple of minutes.

The original hecklers from The Muppets

Lots of times hecklers don't stay in just one category.  You have to figure if someone is going to call out during a show, they're going to probably run the gamut with what they're willing to say.

I once did a show and had a table of Constant Talkers to my right.  Suddenly, during the set up of a joke, I stated a current event and the ringleader, the newly self-appointed Helper, piped up, "That's true!  I just read that," so loud that everyone in the room could easily hear it, let alone the people at her table.

I'm not going to bore you with the details, but suffice it to say she also became The Teacher, The Punchline Jumper and Table Concierge.

Now, at the risk this post came off like a whiny comic bitching and complaining, I have no problem handling hecklers.  I've shut hecklers down using as few as four words, as well as going a couple rounds until the audience declared a TKO, and the person had no choice but to stop talking.

And, I recognize that heckling isn't going to go away in live comedy; and I don't want it to go away totally.  It can be fun, and it gives you experience as a comic.  I just want more people to be aware of how to behave when they go to a show, and be more aware of who they're affecting.

The bottom line is that if you're talking at a comedy show, unless you're answering a specific question the comic asked you, you're a heckler.

So, zip it, Sparky.

******

Here's a great show to go to: Craig Shoemaker, The LoveMaster in NJ before he retires from road gigs at the end of the year!

Your comedy voice - be realistic

Lately, I've noticed some newer comedians who come into the biz with their on-stage personality, their comedic voice, already decided.  I'm not here to tell you that's wrong; it may be the best thing you could have ever done.

However, you have to be honest with yourself and notice if you're getting laughs...and getting booked.  You may be the vomit comic, but if you're walking half your audience in your first three minutes, you probably want to stop barfing on stage.

And, keep in mind, you are now pigeon-holing yourself into your voice's material.  Jokes about how much you hate your kids may not go well with your goofy, aloof persona.

Modeling after a famous comic can give you inspiration, but keep in mind they're funny and have been doing what they do for fifteen to thirty years.  What you're modeling after is the product of years and years of trial, error and evolution.  It's unrealistic to think you can be just like that comic your first few years in the game.

Also, as a newer comic, you're likely in your 20's, maybe early 30's (there are exceptions).  While the famous comic you're modeling after is likely in their 40's, or older, and has gone through life with marriages, divorces, kids, etc.  Their way of thinking comes from life experiences that you may not have gone through.  That will make your material seem shallow, and, quite frankly, awkward coming from you.

I recently heard about a newer comic who did a very crude set and walked a number of people.  When critiqued by the headliner (who obviously wished he had more people to play in front of), his defense was that Louis C.K. does it.

So, let's take Mr. C.K. as an example.  Wikipedia will tell you Louis C.K. tried a five minute open mic in 1984, but only had two minutes of material.  He was so disappointed that he didn't get on stage for another two years.  Here he is about a year after he came back:

 

Louis C.K. in 1987

From 1993-1999, Louis wrote for Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Late Show With David Letterman, The Dana Carvey Show and The Chris Rock Show...and you probably didn't know who he was.

He did have a half-hour special on HBO in 1996, but a lot of comedians had specials, so it's likely you'd have had to be a friend, or a real fan already to know him.

 Louis C.K. 1996 HBO half-hour special (clip 1 - 7:08)

Obviously, the comedic force you see in movies, television and one-hour specials has changed since then.  Louis' material is much different, his mannerisms are different.  His life experiences are different.

Can't believe they did that!  It's Louis C.K., not Louie.  Sheesh!

And let's not confuse material with voice.  I know you'll get older, have more experiences and write more bits.  Your set will naturally be a lot different ten years from now than it is today.  But your voice will influence what you write about, what you write and how you write it.

I don't know what your voice should be, and I can't tell you how you'll find it.  I just know you will, if you stay in the game long enough.  It's been said it takes a comic five to ten years to find his/her voice.

I'm just saying you should probably trust the process, rather than try to force the issue.

Frustrated Part 4 - Now what?

In Part 3, I showed you a multitude of ways to write SMART goals for your comedy career.  I asked you not to do anything until you chose a method, or methods, and wrote down at least five goals.  If you haven't done so, please stop reading and go do that exercise.

Obviously, I can't stop you from reading on; and no one, except you, will ever know if you read this post first before writing your goals.  But you need to realize that doing things your way has gotten you to this point; and if you're frustrated then you might do well to take some outside advice, shouldn't you?

Furthermore, so few people actually write their goals that if you've already decided to "postpone" the goal writing, and you're reading this post, you're likely not going to write your goals anyway.  Ironically, that means you've defeated the purpose of this post.

Just write your darn goals, okay??  Jeez.

Okay, now that you have your goals written (ahem), what do you do with them?

The most basic answer is to get into action.  Actually, get into MASSIVE action.  Instead of ready, aim fire, you need to adopt a FIRE FIRST approach.  Too many people get stuck in "ready" and "aim" and fail to take action.  They get stuck in analysis paralysis; over thinking and over planning, making sure things are perfect before doing anything.

The problem is nothing will ever be perfect, so you basically trick yourself into being stagnant.

So, let's assume you're in action.  For a comic, that can look like consistent writing, going to more open mics, hanging at clubs and networking to get seen, contacting bookers, submitting your media package to a management company, soliciting agents, submitting for a festival, or even producing your own shows (caution, that's a dangerous trap for a new comic...something I'll discuss in a future post).

Now you need a plan; the "aim" portion of the equation.

PLAN OF ACTION - with each goal, you need to come up with at least the basics of a plan of action.  You may not know how to get to the goal, but you may know how to start on the path.  Also, part of your plan could be to align with, or hire, someone who does know how to achieve the goal.

If you have a goal to be a headliner, but you're an open mic comic, then you might not currently know how to become a headliner.  You do know how to write material, you do know how to get on stage, you already know where the open mics are, and you do know that a headliner needs at least forty-five minutes of A material.

Your plan might look something like this:

A. Write for 15 minutes a day at least four days a week and go to a minimum of  three open mics a week, or at least ten a month
B. Develop a no-questions-asked killer 5 minute set (then 10, 15, 20, 30 and 45)
C. Network with other comics at every show
D. Find a comedy mentor
E. Become MC at multiple clubs
F. Work up to feature
G. Work up to headliner

Again, it won't be as simple as that list says, and there will be lots of time between developing a killer 5 minute set and becoming a headliner.  You need to plan for that.  In fact, as this example is from the "Think BIG" goal method I mentioned in Part 3, each step in your plan is a little mini-goal, or milestone.  So, you need to put a time period on them.  In other words, by when do you say you want to have your killer five minutes, etc.?


PUT YOUR GOALS WHERE YOU CAN SEE THEM - you need to constantly be reminded of your goals.  You should be looking at them (or, in some cases, writing them) at least three times a day, every day.

Post a list on your bathroom mirror, on your computer monitor, on your dashboard.  Put your goals in your wallet or purse, in your pants pocket, on your alarm clock, on your refrigerator.

The more you look at them, the more you'll subconsciously think about them.  And the more you think about your goals, the more likely you are to achieve them. 


ACCOUNTABILITY - the number one reason we don't achieve our goals is because we aren't accountable to ourselves (or others).  We state a commitment, and we hope that it happens.  Most times we don't really have a plan to make it happen and we don't have an accountability system in place to insure that it does happen.

If you want to lose weight, are you more likely to eat right, show up to the gym when you say, work out hard and keep it going for weeks or months if you try to go it alone or, if you do it with someone who has the same goals as you?  To take it one step further, you're much more likely to stay the course if you hire a trainer.  You can con a friend into believing an excuse for not going to the gym that morning, but you would still have to pay a trainer for the missed appointment, which makes you much more likely to show up.

Accountability is the single most important thing when it comes to achieving our goals, or letting them fall by the wayside.  If you're not willing to be accountable to someone, then the goal really isn't that important to you, which means you're most likely not going to achieve it.

Think about it.  If you have a job, you're accountable to your boss and the company to show up on time; you're also accountable to the paycheck you expect to receive.  If you have a gig, it's the same thing (although many comics show up late, which I think is nuts).

But the minute there's an an out, most of us take it, eventually, if not right away.  To paraphrase former NBA All-Star Allen Iverson, when we're talkin' 'bout practice, as opposed to a game, we don't give it the same merit.

Let's say one of your action plan items is to write three times a week.  If no one's watching you, and you don't have a specific paycheck attached to it, it's incredibly easy to say to yourself that you just don't feel inspired, you did a lot already this week, you'll make it up tomorrow/next week, you deserve a night off, etc.  Then, like the first time you pee during a night of drinking, you broke the seal, so to speak.  It becomes easier and easier to keep bailing on your activities as time goes on.  Eventually, you stop all together and then lament how you SHOULD be doing them.

So, if it's so easy to justify our excuses to ourselves, how do we then hold ourselves accountable?  Since most people cannot sustain self-accountability for long periods of time, we need to bring others into the equation:

1.  Tell everyone your goals - I don't mean walk up to strangers and shout that you want to play the Laugh Factory in Vegas or L.A.  I mean tell the people in your life.  This is so scary, yet so simple, and all but ensures you achieve your goals.

Doing this automatically gives you built in accountability.  Your friends will all keep asking you about your goals.  They already do, but you haven't given them any more than the fact that you're a comic.  Don't people ask you how comedy is going, or if you're still doing that comedy thing?  I know it pisses you off, but that's them asking you about your goals.  Imagine if you told everyone you wanted to play Vegas.  They'd all ask you about that.  You will have just created a mechanism for keeping your goals in front of you, whether you like it or not.

What about your enemies (or those jealous friends)?  They'll ask you, too.  Oh, will they ask you.  Yes, it will probably be to mock you, but they'll keep you on the straight and narrow.

Let's switch back to the goal of losing weight.  If your friends or "enemies" see you eating donuts, both are going to say something about your goal.  Friends will try to get you to make a better food choice in order to support you; enemies will mock you for having no will power.  Both will be holding you accountable in their own way.  It's when we don't tell people what we're up to that we usually fail.

A good indicator that you're not committed to the goal is if you won't tell people about it.  If you ARE committed to it, then you won't care who asks you about it, as it will just be another reminder of going for it.

**Telling the world comes with an almost magical bonus.  You never know who you're talking to, and who that person knows.  Let's say you're on a show with a comic you've never met before and you both hit it off as friends.  In talking to the other comic, you mention your goal of the Laugh Factory and it just so happens her roommate from college is also a comedian who lives in L.A. and knows the people at the Laugh Factory.

It doesn't necessarily happen that easily and that's no guarantee you can play there...but, it's closer than you've been yourself, and you now have a line to the venue.  It's makes your goal seem that much more attainable.

I was once a facilitator in a seminar of about 250 people where one woman stated her goal was to raise $50,000 for a playground in her home town.  This goal had nothing to do with her business, and the people in this room were not assembled to raise money for anything.  In fact, they were there to learn how to achieve their goals and make more money.  Even so, I watched at least ten people raise their hands to pledge donations because they had ties to the woman's town.  Very quickly, she had about $48,000 pledged to her cause.  The woman went from having a dream that nobody knew about, to stating her goal, to seeing that goal virtually achieved inside of FIVE MINUTES because she told the world what she wanted to accomplish.

If you really want it, don't be afraid to tell everyone about it.

2.  Accountability partners - you want to find one, or more, like-minded people who will support you as you support them in attaining each others' goals.  You want someone who won't buy into your B. S. when you try to punk out on what you say you want to do, in the way a personal trainer isn't going to let you slide when you are too tired to work out that morning.

Be careful, you don't want your best friends or your significant other to be your partner because the dynamic of that will likely harm the relationship.  They're more likely to let you slide anyway, but more importantly you'll start to resent them when they try to hold you accountable.  Ever try to tell your significant other to put the ice cream down because they said they wanted to lose weight?  How did that work out?

You should also look to form a mastermind group of three or more people that meets on the phone or in person every week, or month.  Masterminds are very powerful.  The instill immediate accountability.  You can create topics, get questions answered, do goal achieving exercises, take turns leading the meeting/call, have guest speakers, etc.  As with most things in life, you get out of it what you put into it.  So, fully participate in your mastermind.

3. Get mentors -  a mentor is defined as an experienced and trusted adviser.  You can have mentors in and out of your industry.

If you're fortunate enough to have a veteran comic take you under your wing, that's great.  Treasure that relationship, learn what you can and look to pay it forward when you're the veteran comic.

A mentor doesn't necessarily have to know they're your mentor.  For instance, if you purchase Anthony Robbins' 30-day program Personal Power II, and complete the program, then you can count him as a mentor...even though he won't know who you are.  Obviously, he's not a comedy mentor; he would be a goal mentor, someone who has gotten into massive action and achieved some serious goals.

3.  Hire a coach - Let me be clear, I don't know anything about comedy coaches, if there even are such people.  I know there are comedy classes, and this is entirely different.  What I'm talking about is someone who can help keep you accountable and help you achieve your goals, not someone who can make you funnier or help you write material.

In my real estate days, before I became a coach myself, I paid someone an obscene amount of money to coach me.  We would have a 30-minute call once a week going over his teachings, my issues/concerns and the commitments I had made.  In my first year, I made five (5) times what I paid the coach.  In the following years, I made 15 to 30 times what I was paying the coach.  I think you'd agree that's a pretty good return on investment.

If you're serious about your career, you definitely should look into hiring a coach.

Regardless, I hope you get how important having accountability is to achieving your goals.

TRACK YOUR PROGRESS AND UPDATE OR CHANGE YOUR GOALS -  you need to evaluate your progress so that you know if you're moving towards or away from your goals.  Sometimes your goals take longer than you expect, sometimes you're just not that committed to specific goals anymore, and sometimes you achieve goals much quicker than you expected.

In all cases, you may need to update or change your goals.

As you get close to achieving a goal the tendency is to take your foot off the pedal, and you wind up killing your momentum.  So, instead, as you get closer, you may want to move your initial date up or add another, harder to reach, goal.

Conversely, if you're getting close to your goal deadline and haven't seemed to make much progress, the tendency is to throttle down because you don't think you're going to achieve the goal anyway.  Instead, evaluate if you still want to achieve the goal and then push the deadline out a little further, because there are no bad goals, just bad deadlines.  But, just scribbling a new date isn't going to ensure you achieve the goal; you need to get back into massive action quickly and gain some momentum.

Finally, while you should be trying to do something to achieve your goal every day, on a daily basis it may seem like you're going nowhere fast.  Just remember it's accumulative over time.  An All-Star baseball slugger may hit forty home runs in a season, but that's roughly only one home run every four games.  That means, on average, he will NOT hit a home run in three out of every four games he plays, but at the end of the year he'll have his forty home runs.

Success doesn't look the way we want it to, and it's never as easy as we hope.

Just remember to keep looking back to where you've been and feel good for how far you've come.

If you felt these posts helped you, consider bookmarking my blog so that you can read all four parts over and over again.

If you treat comedy like a business, I have no doubt you will be highly successful. 

Frustrated Part 3: Planning for the Future

Look back for inspiration, look at the present for realization, look ahead for motivation.

To recap this "frustrated with your career" series of posts, in Part 1, I said frustration is good because it's a sign of wanting to grow.  To combat frustration, look at how far you've come and give yourself credit.  Then, in Part 2, I said you need to be realistic about how much time you've been in the business, and more importantly, how much time you've PUT into the business, reminding you that 52 weekends of 5 minute sets is only 8.5 hours of stage time.

Now it's time to talk about how to powerfully move forward with your comedy career.

Begin to ask yourself powerful questions.  When I say powerful, I mean questions that will move you forward.  Your brain is always looking to answer questions, but it's usually negative ones.  You know this when you lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling in the dark.  All sorts of negative questions about your future come out.

Experts say your brain is hardwired to find answers.  The trick is to control the questions, so the brain goes after the answers you want.  If you don't consciously ask forward minded, positive, powerful questions, your default will be questions about surviving a myriad of potential negative outcomes.  You can usually tell a question is negative when it starts with a "What if...?".  We typically don't ask what if something really good happens to us, we usually ask what if something goes wrong.  It's how we're programmed.

So, change your programming.  Make your brain focus on finding the answers to questions about what you want, where you want to go, what will success be like; things like that.

Next you want to make some goals, short term and long term.  You may think you have goals, however, it's important to know that goals not written down are simply pipe dreams, so you have to commit them to paper.  Also, make sure you have target dates written, as well.  We'll discuss that in depth later in this post.

There are many ways to create goals, you need to pick the way(s) that resonates with you.

Think BIG and work backwards - I mentioned in a previous post that I had coached business people. Some of the training I received along the way was from Accomplishment Coaching.  In their training, I learned one way to make (and achieve) goals is to work backwards from your ultimate goal, creating milestones (shorter term goals) along the way.

John F. Kennedy forced NASA to do this when he declared the U.S. would be on the moon before the end of the 1960's.  Suddenly, NASA, who had just dealt with getting someone to orbit the Earth, had an ultimate goal of putting astronauts on the moon; something they hadn't been planning for and which would require a lunar landing module, landing and taking off again, etc., all things they didn't have to deal with just sending a rocket into orbit.

In other words, your ultimate goal might be to star in a movie.  However, you're currently not an actor, you don't have a SAG card, you live in Nebraska, and nobody knows who you are; you have no clue how it would all come about.

Working backwards from there, though, you might have easier to attain goals like: simply having a part in a movie, getting your own HBO special, being on a TV comedy showcase, doing a set on a late night talk show, moving to NYC or LA, playing Vegas and/or Atlantic City, getting an agent, headlining, featuring, MCing, working consistently, and getting paid gigs.

One doesn't necessarily equal the other, and we would all love it if it was as simple as I wrote it.  But, doesn't it seem more attainable with the smaller steps along the way?  Suddenly, there's at least the semblance of a pathway towards starring in a movie.

Year end letter - One mentor taught me to write a year end letter to someone as if the events had already happened.  In other words, if today is April 13, 2014, my letter, written today, would be from the perspective of December 31, 2014 and I would be recounting all of my 2014 goals as if they already happened.  Very powerful.  It's a way of calling your shots, like Babe Ruth did with his famous home run.

*In my real estate days, one year I wrote the letter in January and forgot about it.  I didn't see it again until October (buried in my desk, not the best use of the letter).  To my surprise, I had accomplished 80% of the goals stated in the letter and was more than half way to accomplishing many of the other goals.  I cannot stress the power of this method enough.

Daily journal - On more than one occasion, I have written in a daily journal.  Every single day I would write out my short and long term goals.  It's very interesting to see my goals change over time, as I've either achieved them, changed them, and/or made newer and larger goals.

Dream board or dream book - A dream board or a dream book is another great way to keep your goals in front of you and alive.  Cut pictures from magazines, etc. of the things you want to be, do and have, and make a book or collage.

Index card -Write your top three to five goals on a 3x5 index card and put it in your pants pocket, or purse; somewhere you'll reach into a few times a day and come across the card.

Future free writing - When you are free from distractions, spend a good 10-15 minutes writing what your life will be like in 5 or 10 years.  Don't censor yourself, just free write the things you'd like to achieve, be, do and have.  Get very specific and descriptive.  Once you're done, pick the top five or ten items that really get you juiced up.

**There's an extra killer mind blowing trick to this that I don't want to give away because it will lessen the impact if you know it before you try the exercise.  If you choose to do this method for your goals, just email me at comedyscott@gmail.com when you're finished, and I'll tell you the trick.

White board -  I have a couple of those dry erase white boards on the wall of my home office.  You can get them at Staples, or anywhere that sells office supplies.  I have one for a business I run, and another specifically for comedy.

On the comedy white board, I have a current list of all my bookings, as a backup to my website and phone calendar schedule, and I have a list of my goals.  It could be clubs I'd like to play, things I'd like to achieve, etc.  Anytime I hit a goal, I check it off on the board.

Are your goals SMART?

The best way to write goals is to use the S.M.A.R.T. format.  Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely.  There are other variations for some of the letters in the acronym, but you get the point.

Wanting to lose weight, as an example, is not specific.  Saying you want to lose 20lbs makes it specific and measurable, but there is no time frame.

So, to have a SMART goal, you would need to say something like you want to lose 20lbs within three months from today.  Now, if you said you wanted to lose 20lbs in three days, that's not really achievable.  Even if it technically is possible (if you spent 72 hours in a sauna, maybe), it's not something that you probably feel is achievable, and it's not something you would likely be willing to do what it takes to achieve.

In other words, let's take the above movie goal and say you wanted to star in a movie within the next three months.  Unless you already knew a movie star or producer who could help you, and were moving out to Hollywood yesterday, you likely have no shot at that happening.  So, it probably wouldn't be Achievable, and it most likely wouldn't seem Realistic in the Time you set.

Let's take a simpler comedy goal; you want to have 60 minutes of killer material in one year's time.  What would you need to do to achieve that goal?  How much and how often would you need to write material?  How often would you need to get on stage?  How many open mics would you need to do to get your bits ready for your set?

Do you see how just setting a goal creates all sorts of questions you need to answer that all focus on achieving that goal?

So, gentle reader, if you're serious about your comedy career (or really, any career), before you do anything else you should come up with at least five to ten SMART goals, and write them down.  Don't go on Facebook, don't go to the bathroom.  Okay, if you really have to go potty, go first.  If you plan to be in there a while, you can just bring a notebook in with you and write your goals.  The point is write your goals as soon as possible.

For a more in depth look into goal writing, check out business and sales training guru Brian Tracy's book "Goals!" The link takes you to his site, and if you give him your email you'll get the e-book version of "Goals!" for FREE.

In Part 4, I'll tell you what to do with your goals so you have the best chance of achieving them.

Click here for Part 4: Now What?

Frustrated Part 2: Get Real in the Present

In my last post, part one, I said when you're frustrated with where you are in terms of your career, you can simply look back to see how far you've come and give yourself credit...really feel a sense of accomplishment.

To move forward, you need to honestly assess reality in the present.

How long have you been in the business? 

They say it takes at least five years in comedy before you discover your comedic voice, and ten years before you really hit your stride.  If you've been doing comedy for four years and you're frustrated, you need to be realistic about the time you've put into your chosen profession.

Really, no matter how long you've been in the business of comedy, there are always people who've been doing it longer than you (and many haven't had your level of success).

In a previous blog post, Wisdom equals age plus experience (and intelligence), I mentioned Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers where he says it takes 10,000 hours of doing something to be an expert, or master.  I also mentioned that Starbucks reportedly makes even a part-timer train for thirty (30) hours before letting them serve a cup of coffee to a customer.

So, let's do some quick math:  If you did a five minute set (normal for a guest, open mic or showcase spot) every day for a full year that would only equal the thirty hours of training Starbucks gives their staff.

Being booked every day doesn't happen, but let's say you get that five minute spot every Friday and Saturday night for a year.  That comes to a little more than eight hours.  That's ONE WORK DAY in the real world.  Eight hours?!?!  And you think you should already be headlining?

Now, if you did a forty-five minute headlining spot every day, it would still take you thirty-six and a half years to reach 10,000 hours!!!

You wouldn't live long enough to reach 10,000 hours if you worked two shows (Friday and Saturday) every week.

Obviously, the more hours you put in the better you get.  So, of course, it becomes a game of getting on stage as much as possible.  And on your way to mastery is where you will build your career and make some, hopefully huge, strides.

I hope this math didn't further frustrate you; rather, I hope it instilled in you a sense of realism, and I hope it inspired you.

Let me give you an example, that I feel ties in Part 1, where I tell you not to be frustrated with your fellow comics' successes, and this post, Part 2, getting real about how much time you've put in this business.

By pure happenstance, I've had the pleasure of working with Vic Dibitetto more than most comics that he's not purposely working with (he's formed a sort of modern day rat pack with Tommy Gooch and Fred Rubino - great guys, funny as Hell).

If you don't know of Vic, he's the Bread & Milk YouTube guy.  Posted in February, 2013, the video went viral in minutes, got the attention of TV and radio news outlets and now has almost 12,000,000 views today.

"Bread & Milk" - Vic Dibitetto

From the video's popularity, Vic started getting more gigs.  Gigs started selling out.  Vic was officially becoming a draw in the area.  He could also command more money for gigs.  Things were starting to happen for Vic.

Then, almost a year later, Vic's video rant about Justin Bieber went viral.  To this day, it has almost 2 million views.

At some point, I believe he was asked to be a guest on one of the nationally syndicated daytime talk shows like The View or The Talk.  He now has a regular weekly segment on 95.5 WPLJ in NYC, the biggest media market in the world.  And, he was personally called by Kevin James to be in the Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 movie.

That's all great, and hopefully it only continues upward and onward for Vic.

But here's what you may not know about Vic:

• Vic has been a working comic since the 80's, honing his craft at the legendary Pips in Brooklyn.  Vic shared the stage with the likes of Andrew "Dice" Clay well before the Dice Man was a known comic.
• Vic has a day job driving a school bus for NYC on Staten Island.  Weeknight gigs mean limited sleep.  Even a week-long gig in AC means he has to get home after the show so he can drive the bus the next day.  Vegas gigs?  Only during school vacation time.
• Vic has been posting his "vignettes" online, almost daily, for years prior to the success of "Bread & Milk."  In fact, the video went viral, coincidentally, just a day or two after Vic posted a rant of how many videos he's put up to no avail, but a video of the baby waking up in the car seat to it's favorite song went viral.
• The part in the Kevin James movie didn't come until almost a full year after "Bread & Milk" went viral.

Bottom line: Vic has been doing his damnedest to get to those 10,000 hours and is just now starting to see the fruits of his labor (to reference a previous post about how comics treat each other, Hell of Nice Guy, he's also one of the nicest comics I've met).

But, can you imagine if Vic quit the business at ANY time before "Bread & Milk" went viral?  He's been a comedian for about thirty years, and, according to him, never seemed to catch a break.  Who wouldn't have thought about quitting at any time along the way?

"Most people give up just when they're about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown."

- Ross Perot

There's an old adage:  there are no overnight successes.  To the vast majority of the public, Vic stormed onto the scene with "Bread & Milk."  In reality, his "overnight" was thirty years in the making.

So, when looking at your career, have you put in your 10,000 hours?  Have you put in nearly the amount of time of someone like Vic Dibitetto?  Or, are you closer to the Starbucks training time?

Be real with yourself.  Get grounded in reality, in the present.  Then you can powerfully move forward!

In Part 3, we'll discuss powerfully moving forward.  As I said at the end of Part 1, look back for inspiration and look ahead for motivation.

Don't forget to look at the present for realization. 

Click here for Part 3: Planning for the Future