This post is specifically intended to help people who meet a comic after a show, and help them not be complete morons. I'm sure this is going to come across as an arrogant rant, and, frankly, I don't give a crap. I've spent countless wasted hours being given career and set advice from a drunk plumber's assistant who doesn't realize he's spitting on me while he talks. And, while you would think I should just tell him to shut his pie hole and walk away, things like manners, social graces, not wanting to offend a potential fan, not wanting to have negative feedback get back to the venue or booker, and not wanting to get punched all tend to dissuade me from that mode of defense.
So, I, and countless other fellow comics that these folks have managed to corner after a show, politely nod our heads, go dead in the eyes, and silently curse ourselves for ever getting into this business while we listen to them drone on and on about how we should learn a magic trick to make our set better.
*Not sure who to credit for this picture, but it's obviously Stewie from Family Guy on Fox, created by the great Seth McFarlane.*
The list of ACCEPTABLE things to do, or say, is short. You are welcome to shake our hand, perhaps hug us, ask for our business card, take a picture with us, tell us you enjoyed our set and ask us questions. If you are at our merchandise table, we obviously prefer that you buy something. If you don't plan to buy, then please make your conversations short and sweet, and move on. After the rest of the audience has left, and we're done selling (bills to pay, gigs don't make us rich), if we don't have to be anywhere, we will be more receptive to talking to you.
The list of UNACCEPTABLE things is much longer (and we do recognize you may have been drinking and not totally in control, but, really, learn to hold your liquor):
1. DON'T TELL US WHAT WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IN OUR ACT - There are so many reasons for this. First and foremost, unless we become famous, you're likely not going to see us again, so why would I "take a request" from you that you won't ever see me do? Also, it may not be a subject we want to broach. It may not be in character for our type of comedy. Chances are it's been done by hundreds of comics before, so it would be what we call "hack" or "stealing," both of which are taboo among most comics. There are hundreds of reasons why we SHOULDN'T, and won't, talk about airport security checkpoint lines in our act.
2. DON'T TELL US WHAT TO DO IN OUR ACT - I opened for a guitar comic and we both crushed. After the show, a man came up, shook my hand, and proceeded to tell me how awesome I was, but that I should do some comedy songs like the guy who followed me. A. I don't know HOW to play guitar. B. You only thought to suggest I play guitar because the closer played guitar. C. If we both played guitar, we wouldn't likely both be on the same show. D. The fact that I don't play the guitar is what made the show flow better, and the closer's set more unique. E. You work at a factory, and you're drunk. Why would any comic take your advice on comedy, especially after we just had a killer set/show?
3. DON'T TELL US HOW MUCH YOU LIKE OTHER COMEDIANS - We're not interested in your favorite Louis CK bit. We like Louis CK, we wish we had his success...but we probably know the bit already, you're gonna butcher it anyway and it serves no purpose other than to make us reflect on how we're not as good, famous or rich as he is. Why don't you kick our dog while you're at it?
Comedians thrust themselves into the spotlight, in front of anywhere from tens to thousands of people at a time, and bare their souls for your amusement and judgement (probably because we didn't breast feed enough). When we're done, we're hoping you enjoyed what we did. Some of you didn't. Many of you will walk out without saying anything. A few of you will shake our hand and tell us we did a good job. And one or two of you will talk to us for as long as you can. At that point, the last thing we want to hear is how much you like another freakin' comedian.
4. DON'T TELL US WE WERE THE BEST COMIC ON THE SHOW - at least not within earshot of the other comics on the show. We appreciate the sentiment, but it puts us in an awkward position. We don't want to be associated with bashing the other comics, and, while that wasn't your intention, that's how it will seem to the other comics. If you really want to tell us, the best thing for you to do is whisper it, and don't insist, and get louder, when we politely rebuff you ("No, I wasn't, but thank you."). Then, if so inclined, go tell the club manager/booker/owner your feelings.
CAVEAT: If you're a friend/relative, your opinion is completely biased and completely invalid. So, telling the powers that be they should pay us more, let us do a longer set, make us the closer, etc. will actually hurt us. I've had owners ask me if I knew the "blonde lady in the black dress" that hugged me then went to tell him how great I was. I didn't know her, but owners aren't stupid.
5. FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, PLEASE DON'T TELL US HOW YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GET INTO COMEDY AND START GOING INTO YOUR OWN MATERIAL! - If you're reading this for a further explanation please send me your name so I can have you banned from going to any comedy show on the planet until the end of time.
6. DON'T TELL US JOKES - We're politely laughing so as not to offend, but we've heard it 17 times before...that week alone. Besides, that's what you paid to see us do, we didn't pay you to tell us about the two guys who walked into a bar...
7. DON'T TELL US SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED AT YOUR FAMILY THANKSGIVING TABLE AND TELL ME TO USE IT IN MY ACT - You likely had to be there, it probably won't translate onto the stage, and I don't know all the intricacies of your family dynamic to understand why Hazel shouting "Easter eggs!" would be funny to anyone else. And, really, that's the key: stuff that's funny isn't necessarily ever going to be funny on stage. Plus, this falls under rule #1, above: your family story likely won't fit into my brand of comedy.
8. DON'T BADGER, BULLY, SHAME OR PRESSURE US TO STAY FOR JUST ONE DRINK - We appreciate you asking, and sometimes we just might hang out. But please realize we may be tired, we may have a long drive home or an early morning. Also, don't underestimate how annoying you may be or that you may come across as a complete psycho.
Also, it should go without saying that a man inviting a female comic out is a little inappropriate, and she likely knows you're hitting on her. Yes, she was pretty and talked dirty and flirty in her act. But, it's an act. You're drunk, you're a cliche. She's flattered, but is afraid of being roofied. Just don't.
Look, we love you, we need you, we hope you become life long fans that show up everywhere we play. You are probably a very nice person in your everyday life. We are more than happy to be Facebook friends, hope you follow us on Twitter and some of you will become our actual friends. This is not an us against them post. This is an etiquette post.
We may have only worked 15, 30 or 45 minutes in your eyes, but we've gone through a lot more to be on that stage. There were countless hours of practice and other gigs, a long drive to this gig, the nerves and adrenaline that usually come with being on stage, the extremely hot spotlight, the come-down when our set is over, and then there's amping our energy level back up to say thank you and goodbye to all of you leaving the show.
We simply ask that you be relatively normal, as you would meeting anyone for the first time. And for Pete's sake, buy a t-shirt!
