Open Letter to Bud Selig re: Pete Rose

Warning: this is not a comedy post.  It contains nothing funny, so, in a lot of ways, it's just like my act.  Rim shot! Thank you! I'm here all week, try the veal. 

Pete Rose has been out of baseball for 25 years, serving out his life time ban for betting on the team he managed to win.

Commissioner Bud Selig is retiring in January, 2015 and has basically shelved Pete Rose's reinstatement appeals, all but refusing to address the issue.

Recently, Selig said he has five months to deliberate on the issue, but says he has to do what he feels is best for the game and sometimes you have to live with people not liking your decisions.

So, Commissioner, how is keeping perhaps the best ambassador baseball has out of the game, while hundreds of players used (and many still use) PED's only to be suspended for a certain amount of games, what's best for the game?

Heck, ARod is so guilty he got multiple suspensions wrapped into one sentence and still only missed a little more than a year.

Whether or not one understands the reason behind it, players who take PED's are knowingly cheating.

Where's the integrity of that?

Commissioner, you stated your office was created specifically to deal with the Black Sox scandal of 1919, which, of course, dealt with gambling.

One thing, however, sir:  the Black Sox were paid to THROW their games.  The intentionally did bad so they would lose.

Side bar: Shoeless Joe Jackson did NOT throw games and should be reinstated, as well.

Pete Rose is guilty of betting on the team he managed, TO WIN.

Yes, betting is betting, but it's been 25 years.  Let him in.  The all-time hit leader deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.  Rather, it's a black eye to baseball that the Hit King ISN'T in the Hall of Fame.

By the way, I know there is a difference between reinstatement and election into the Hall of Fame, but one would most certainly beget the other at some point.

Commissioner, we all know your disdain for Home Run leader Barry Bonds.  Yet, even though he was indicted for perjury, indicted and convicted of Obstruction of Justice and has been the central focus of the Balco investigation since 2003, you turned a blind eye to Bonds, letting the chips fall where they may, so to speak.

I just don't think you can use words and terms like "integrity" and "best interests of baseball" if you have different levels of cheating when it comes to knowingly taking PED's to get an edge and gambling.

Pine tar, spit balls, etc. are all to get an edge on that particular game and should we dealt with as such.  PED's are for a season or career.  Much different.

But let's talk gambling, if you would.

Around the time of the Black Sox, America was different.  Baseball was different.  There were no computers and no multi-million dollar contracts.

Gambling was looked on as a tool of the Devil, and only bad people were associated with it.  Today, America has two major gambling cities, one of which has LEGAL sports betting.

Back in 1919, $10,000 went a long way, and made a huge difference in a player's life.  Today, in order to get just ONE player to even consider throwing a game, you'd have to come at them with tens of millions of dollars. 

Owners were cheap and had a strong hold on players.  There was no free agency and the MLPA didn't even exist until 1953.  The previous incarnations of a players union obviously weren't very strong.

Even twenty five years ago, one would still had to have offered at least a few million dollars per player, if players would even entertain the idea.

In 1919, the criminal element moved freely throughout baseball and other sports.  It was easier to get in touch with players, make deals, etc.  Twenty five years ago, and certainly today, its much harder to keep company with a bad element without getting found out.

I'm not so naive to think that some players aren't associating with "bad seeds" today, but it's so much easier to bet sports legally or online, that it really doesn't matter anyway.

But, again, we're still talking apples and oranges, or at least different types of apples.  Pete Rose gambled on the team he managed, TO WIN.  The Black Sox THREW the World Series for money.

Clearly, those are completely different items.

So, now, at least once a year, Pete Rose gets all of our attention, and people wonder why he isn't in baseball or the Hall of Fame.

You've actually created this issue, Commissioner.  Okay, maybe you didn't create it, but you keep it going.

If you reinstated Pete Rose, it would be a HUGE positive publicity event for Major League Baseball.  Think of the ratings and ticket sales when you parade the Hit King around to every major ball park for a Welcome Back to Baseball Tour.

If you think that's too much, because you just don't like Rose, then let him in, let the publicity die down and then he either does or doesn't get into the Hall of Fame.

Then, guess what, he goes away. 

You see, if you let him into baseball everything stops.  If he's hired as a coach or manager, so be it, now he's just a part of baseball.  If he's not, then so be that, too.  If he's elected into the Hall of Fame, then he gives his speech and everyone goes home.  If he's not elected, well, then so be it, at least he was given his shot.  It's not on you, or baseball.

Either way, the issue is dead and no one can complain, no one puts Rose on TV, it's over.

This is a win-win for baseball, Commissioner.  The public gets their Hit King back, you get to leave a great legacy behind and baseball gets to move forward instead of being constantly reminded of the worst of it's past.

Please reinstate Pete Rose in the best interest of baseball.

Sincerely,

Scott Friedman
Linwood, NJ

Robin Williams - What Dreams May Come

Like many of you, I opened my web browser and saw the headline about Robin Williams' death.

My six year old daughter had just come off her Aladdin rotation a couple of days ago.  You know, when the kids watch the same movie over and over again for a week straight.

I was marveling at his Genie, secretly wondering which parts were improv and which were scripted, if any of it was scripted.

I don't know if any one entertainer has had an effect on my life such as Robin Williams.

As a child and pre-teen, I reveled in his antics watching Mork & Mindy.

As much as I ultimately came to love everything George Carlin, it was both Eddie Murphy's first two albums and Robin's An Evening at the Met (1986) that sealed my standup fate.  I just didn't know it yet.

I was already a radio DJ wanna be when Good Morning Vietnam (1987) made it official; I was going to be on the radio no matter what...and, like many people, I could recite almost all of Robin's Adrian Cronauer riffs.

Dead Poet's Society (1989) both made me cry and made me proud of my unknowing friend, Robin.  I had never met him, but I was so proud of him as the world had to stand up and take notice of the Club Paradise comedic actor.  Everyone had to give his acting credit, if they hadn't already with Moscow on the Hudson.

I remember being in awe of him in Good Will Hunting and What Dreams May Come.

I loved that I could share him with my son, going back to Aladdin, then with Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire, Flubber and Bicentennial Man.  Man, my son wouldn't stop watching Bicentennial Man for months.  I think I'm going to go watch it when I'm finished writing this.

And, of course, along the way there was Comic Relief.

Robin Williams represented legitimacy to comedy.  He was a comedian first, last and always, but he was so much more.  He was a legitimate actor, a legitimate star.

He was also an alcoholic, drug addict and severely depressed.

I don't know if there are more than two people on the planet that could tell you if his depression caused him to start the drinking and drugs, or if his addictions caused his depression.

It doesn't really matter; either way, it's tragic.

Is there any good that can come out of this?  Can we take something away from this horrible tragedy?

I think, first, a death of this magnitude brings to light a very difficult subject: depression.  And, as cliche as it sounds, if even one person decides to get help, rather than take their own life, then there was some good that came out of Williams' death.

Please, I implore you, if you even think you might be depressed...get help!  The stigma that you're weak if you admit you need help is so over and so, well, stupid.  It's your LIFE we're talking about.  So, you need therapy or medication, or both.  So what?  Get it!  Get the help you need.  Talk to someone, anyone!  Talk to me if you don't have anyone else.

The other thing is much less important in the grand scheme, but not any less true.  Robin Williams set a standard.  He set a standard that all us performers should strive to achieve.

I hope that you and I can win an Oscar, Golden Globes, have 102 credits on IMDB.com and get all the accolades Robin received.  But that's not what I'm talking about.

Robin worked really hard.  He made his comedy look effortless, with his stream of consciousness rantings, but those in the business know he practiced all of that.

He could have easily gone the route of the comedy movie guy, bouncing around from silly movie to silly movie, but he didn't.  He stretched himself and did dramatic roles that will be remembered forever, and he was rewarded with an Oscar.

He also received the Cecil B. DeMille award in 2005.   The previous ten winners of that award were: Sophia Loren, Sean Connery, Dustin Hoffman, Shirley MacLaine, Jack Nicholson, Barbara Streisand, Al Pacino, Harrison Ford, Gene Hackman and Michael Douglas.

Not bad company to be in.

When you think about your career, think about working as hard as Robin Williams.  Give it your all, like he did.

Goodbye, Robin.  May you Rest in Peace.  You will be sadly missed.

Nanu, nanu.

Are you a douchey comic?

***
Please check out my satire articles on absrdcomedy.com here: Scott Friedman author page.
Also, here's a satire article from whatexitnj.com I wrote: Boring Pleasantville, NJ
Now, on to the douche bags...
***

I've met a lot of great, funny and nice comics in this business.  I like to think I've made some good friends.  I mean, if it came down to me or them for a gig, I'm sure they'd happily step on my neck to get the gig themselves, but other than that, they seem like nice people.

Really, I've been lucky in that I've run into very few mean comics.  Either that, or I'm getting stabbed in the back and thrown under the bus and just don't know it.  Could be.

I started writing this post in the middle of a week long gig in Atlantic City.  It was my first time working with comedians Michael Aronin and the legendary Joey Kola.  Michael and Joey had known each other for years, but I had never met either of them.

We all had our own things going on, so, outside of the show, we didn't get to spend a lot of time together.  And most of the time when we did get to hang out, it was only two of the group, as one of us wasn't available (i.e., Joey and me, Mike and me, or Joey and Mike).

For whatever reason, we all clicked with each other.  We enjoyed hanging out.  We enjoyed each others' acts.  We shared stories, pointers, ideas, punchlines, tag lines, etc.

We became friends.  We became friends who truly want to help each other.

Now rewind to the beginning of the week.  A newer comic I was about to work with friend requested me on Facebook, and then she inboxed me a "looking forward to working with you" message (we had Thursday off from the AC gig and I had gotten booked to close a show in North Jersey).

The comic let me know she was very new, so after I joked that I was just as new as she was, I began asking her some questions.  In her responses, I found some things I could share with her to help her along.  In short, I'm an egotistical know-it-all who gives out unsolicited advice, but she didn't seem to mind.  No harm, no foul.

After the show she introduced me to her husband, and told him I was very generous, gave great advice and wasn't one of the "douchey" comics she seemed to have been meeting.

The next day, I inboxed her some words of encouragement and some general ideas as to how she can move forward.  Tape your act, trim the set-up fat, etc.

Again she thanked me for not being one of the douchey comics.

Are there really that many douchey comics?  Are you a douchey comic?

I only know how to be one way: nice...and friendly.  Wait, I know how to be two ways: nice, friendly...and helpful.  No, wait...

All references to Monty Python aside, what the hell?  We're in this together.  Why not be nice to your fellow comics?

You don't have to give advice, you don't have to help them get booked, you don't have to buy them a drink.  But, why wouldn't you at least be friendly, or, at the very least, pleasant to your fellow comics?

In an earlier post, Hell of a Nice Guy, I wrote about how you heard one thing over and over when John Pinette passed away:  how extremely nice he was.

I encourage you to read that post.  I'm about to stop writing this post at the risk of repeating everything that's in that post.

I just don't understand why me being nice and helpful to a fellow comic was hailed as unique.

It shouldn't be.

One of the top reasons you bomb(ed)

If you're one of the two people following my blog, waiting for the next post, I apologize for the recent delay.  I've been doing some road gigs, got a new radio show and have started writing for a website called Absrdcomedy.com (click here to see all of my articles).

Assuming you accept my apology, my latest post appears below:

***
I recently saw a newer comic start off a set with inside comedy jokes; jokes to comedians, for comedians, about the inner workings of comedy.

I'm not giving details because I have no interest in having anyone think they know who I'm talking about.  I'm not trying to bad mouth the comedian; this is for comics, in general.

A little bit after that, I was talking to the booker of a pretty nice room about an upcoming date, and we ended up having a half-hour conversation about comedy and comedians, also in general.  The booker's main issue was that newer comics today all seem to be playing TO comedians; their jokes are aimed at their group, peers, open mic cliques, etc.

From my perspective, I have to agree with him.

I don't know any numbers; I can't say it's all, or most newer comics...but, I do see a lot of it.

In my previous posts, Are you screwing up your open mic? and 6 Tips for a Great Open Mic, one of the things I focus on is cliques, and the inside jokes that come from them, and how they are detrimental to a comic's career.

As I started writing this post, I became aware of a very cool article by Joe Deez, The 3 Best Things to Know in Open Mic Comedy, that I highly recommend you also read.  You'll notice he hits on the clique issue, as well.

When you're on the stage at an open mic, you usually have a very short amount of time...usually three to five minutes.  Why then, would you waste even a second on inside jokes that won't play to general audiences?

Worse, yet, is when you don't know the difference, like the comic I referenced above.  Your clique members all laugh, and no one knows, or tells you, that when you play a real gig those jokes are going to be met with crickets (crickets, for the uninitiated, is the imagined sound you would hear due to the dead silence of the non-laughing audience...it's not good).

Ka-boom!

The issue, in general, is knowing your audience.  That goes for every comic at every level.  There are some legendary videos of great, even famous, comics bombing horribly because they didn't know their audience.

One time, I was closing a show out of state, and while I was watching the other comics, the thought that this audience wouldn't like me crept into my head.  During my set, almost right out of the chute, I defensively said something that wasn't insulting, by any means, but that distinctly pointed out that I wasn't a native.

As soon as I said it, I knew it was bad news.  I could literally feel the audience's mood shift.  It took a little bit of an effort to get them back on my side.

Lesson learned.  If you're going to say something that separates the audience from you geographically, especially if you're from a neighboring (see: rival) state, you should get them on your side first!

A little after Superstorm Sandy hit the east coast, I was asked to play The Borgata with Uncle Floyd for a weekend to fill in because they had to reschedule Jay Mohr's shows.

On the first night, in the middle of his set, Floyd threw out a couple of one liners that fell flat.  It didn't phase him one bit.  He just strummed on his infamous acoustic guitar and said something along the lines of, "Okay, you're not coming with me.  All right, I'll find you.  I got a million of 'em. I'll find where you are.  You'll laugh at something."

Just saying that caused the audience to laugh and loosen up.

Floyd showed vulnerability, which equals likability.  More importantly, he made it about himself and not about the audience.  He didn't fight them, he didn't get upset with them for not laughing at jokes he's probably killed with thousands of times over forty plus years.

Too many comics blame the audience, and you can't.  You have to know your audience, or find them.

Yes, there are nights when it really is the audience.  Shitty comics before you, weird happenstances, odd occurrences, whatever.  Sometimes, just the fact that the audience is small can make it difficult.

But you can't function as if any of that's true.  You have to get to their level.  They don't know anything about this industry.  They paid for a ticket to a comedy show.  They don't know that because the comic before you bombed they're now going to be a tougher laugh.

It's your job to make them laugh.


There are comics who don't like to follow great acts, there are comics that don't like to follow shitty acts.

There are gamblers who believe you screwed up their hand when you came into the middle of their blackjack game.  How do they know?  How do they know that if you didn't play your hand just then, they wouldn't have lost anyway?

My point is, it shouldn't matter.

If the comic before you bombed, start off with some crowd work, or hit them with one of your best jokes in your set.

If the comic before you killed, start off with some crowd work, or hit them with one of your best jokes in your set.

Yeah, I wrote the same thing for both instances.  That's the point.

Crowd work can loosen up a tight audience and tighten up a loose audience.  By loose audience, I mean an audience that has been laughing hard and long at the previous act.  They might appear more talkative, they might feel free to get up, they might just be laughing so much that your normal first three minutes might get lost on them.

Read the audience, adjust to the audience based on how the show is going, and make sure your material is relatable...to people who aren't just comics.
***
Tomorrow night, great show in Somers Point, NJ with The LoveMaster, Craig Shoemaker!

Comedy comes down to one thing...

No matter what you do, say or think, the only thing you can do to improve as a comic is to get on stage.

Yes, you should tape yourself and watch the tape.  Yes, you should have other comics, preferably vets, critique you.  Yes, you need to write often, if not daily.  But none of that matters, and some of it doesn't even happen, if you don't get on stage.

Duh, Scott.  I've heard that since I got into comedy.  Okay, gentle reader, but do you really know it?  Do you really know the progression involved in developing your act as it pertains to stage time?

In a previous post, Frustrated Part 2: Get Real In The Present, I did the math of how much stage time you actually amass during a year when doing sets.

Short recap:  if you had a 15 minute set every Friday & Saturday for a year, that would only equal 26 hours of stage time.

That's not a full work week.  That's not even the legal minimum amount of hours in a work week for you to still qualify as a full time employee (30).  And that's over the course of A FULL YEAR!

Have you ever put it into perspective like that?

Have you ever really looked at how much time you've put into your comedy career, in terms of time on stage?

Simple formula:  Add up the total minutes of all your sets in a year and divide it by 60.  That will give you the total number of hours you've been on stage for the year.

Hint:  It may shock you how small the number is.  If a headliner worked two shows every weekend for a year that would only equal 78 hours on stage...for the year.

And, while there is definitely something to the accumulation of total stage time, you know how rusty you are if you go a week or two between gigs.  It's like you went back a step.  God forbid you go a month between gigs.  Although, I think I've gone the longest...

Our hero photo bombing a soda bottle in 1990...and, yeah, French cuffed jeans

Back when I had hair, and really big glasses, I started doing stand up comedy at Montclair State College (now University).  I started at an all-types open mic in the fall of 1989, where I went on just after a band that gave the finger to the student club people running the show because they weren't going to be limited to just eight minutes, and just before a freshman girl singing a Barbara Streisand song.

I did another open mic a few months later and then I was asked to MC a battle of the bands (sidebar:  Don't. Ever. Host a battle of the bands.  If you've ever thought about doing comedy while high school seniors and college kids are screaming for their favorite band to come on, while you have to kill time between bands setting up, stab yourself in the neck with a fork and watch Dancing with the Stars in super slow motion.  You will still have had a better night than I did).

After that, I was asked to MC each of the five summer 1990 and 1991 Freshman Orientation Weekend comedy shows, partly, I'm sure, because I was a Freshman Orientation Counselor.  These shows featured three college circuit comedians, booked by Tony Camacho, who's now in Las Vegas.  You'll likely recognize names like Bob Nelson and Ralph Harris.

I also found a comedian's open mic Friday nights at a deli called Something Different in Bloomfield, NJ.

Tony told me he was going to start booking me at local clubs, but I hesitated, and eventually ended up getting an over-night radio show, and essentially walked away from comedy for twenty years.  Twenty years.  Two decades.

In that time, I worked steadily in radio, and various other business ventures.  Got married, twice, had kids, etc.

Then I decided I didn't want to say that I used to do standup comedy anymore.

Immediately upon making that decision, I lucked into my first gig (it was paid, too!).  I was asked to do a ten minute set inside my radio listener market at a 500 person fundraiser, at a theater, opening for two Philadelphia radio and comedy legends.  No pressure.  Yeah.

I'd like to tell you I did open mics leading up to the gig, but being on a morning show at the time, it was tough to get out late and miss something important like getting at least four hours of sleep a night.

I did the next best thing I could, I literally bored the crap out of my best friend who would listen to me do my set over the phone three times a week for six weeks.  God bless him for still laughing at the punchlines after the third time he heard the set.

The set went okay.  I've been on stage before, handled a crowd and a microphone, and, hey, I had some experience at comedy twenty years prior, right?  There were some friends and family in the audience, so I'm sure those courtesy laughs helped me get more real laughs.

But, later after viewing the tape I whittled the set down to 3:15 of highlights.  To this day, I still think there's only about 1:30 of good material, maybe.

I wasn't a total newbie because of my prior experience.  I had energy, confidence, personality and some decent jokes (or premises).  But, like all newbies, I had lots and lots of set up.  A lot of my stuff was much too wordy leading up to a punchline.

After that gig, I found a couple of local bookers, who were likely more into my potential reach as a radio host than my talents as a comedian, and rightly so at the time.  Ultimately, through practicing, guest spotting, gigging, networking, being nice, paying it forward (like I talk about in previous blog posts), and good fortune, I was able to get to where I am today...which is much further along than I was when I started either time, but nowhere near close to where I want to be.

I don't mean where I want to be in terms of level of success and fame, obviously I'd like to be more successful than I am.  I'm talking about my level of comedy.

22 years later at The Borgata, Atlantic City, NJ...without the French cuffed jeans...or hair

Every time I watch a tape of myself I see how horrible I did.  Okay, that's a little bit of an exaggeration.  I'm consistently hired and hired back by clubs and bookers, I play some pretty great venues, I know I'm funny...but I'm not as funny as I think I can, or should, be.  I see massive flaws, even with the jokes, bits or sets that totally crush all the way through.

So, what do I do, besides drink heavily to make the voices stop?

Well, what do you do?  Do you keep getting on stage?  Do you tape your sets (and then watch them)?  Do you ask for and accept critiques from veteran comics?  Do you keep writing?  Do you do it over and over and over again, rinse and repeat?

Can you honestly say you're doing everything you should to be a successful as you say you want to be?

It all comes down to one thing...getting on stage as much as possible, as often as possible.

Rinse and repeat.

Where are you going with this comedy thing?

 So, you're a stand up comic.  What does that mean?

Potentially, you could be Jim Norton selling out clubs and theaters wherever you go, or you could be an open mic comic.  You could be an A-room road comic headliner, traveling the country, or you could be the local club MC.  You could be a headliner in your surrounding area; or you could be a feature that's stuck in between MCing some clubs, can't do too many road gigs because not all clubs give rooms to features so your pay would get eaten up, and occasionally closing bar gigs.  You could be a college/corporate maven making big money per gig, or you could be running your own room so you get stage time.  You could be in New York, running the club circuit taking guest spots and multiple $25, fifteen minute spots a night to pay the rent; or you could be...okay, you get my point.

Being a stand up comic means a lot of different things.

There are designations we use that go in front of "stand up comic", such as "newbie", "working", "full-time", or "famous"; however, the public doesn't typically know the difference, except if you're famous.  Typically, if you say you're a stand up comedian, people on the street don't know if you're fresh out of comedy class or headlining a casino.

Ironically, the great equalizers are perception and likability.  Generally, a name comic is going to be given more latitude because people expect them to be funny.  Many of their shows are filled with people who bought tickets just to see them.  Or, if the comic pops into a club unannounced, their track record and the good will created by someone of their ilk deigning to show up at this club usually begets laughs.

Holy shit was that last sentence pretentiously written!  What I meant to say is that if Jerry Seinfeld suddenly showed up at a club, the audience would go nuts and would likely laugh if he just sneezed.

Conversely, the rest of us don't get that kind of leeway.  That's not to say famous, successful comics didn't earn it.  My point is that the average fundraiser crowd doesn't know, nor care, who the headliner is at their $35 a ticket, spaghetti and meatball buffet, Chinese auction, comedy show fundraiser for the high school girls lacrosse team.  They don't know the MC, either, but might like him/her better.

In other words, if you're an MC and you did a fundraiser show with Lisa Lampanelli as the announced headliner, Lisa would get laughs before she got on stage.  But, if you're the unknown headliner (clubs, bars, fundraisers, occasional corporate/college gig), you have to bring your A-game because the crowd will just be judging you as you compare to the other comics who just performed.

So, you can never really stop doing your best.  Don't intentionally mail in a show, no matter how shitty the gig is.

Sometimes, we can't control the situation.  We're not feeling well, the show stinks, the audience is lame, whatever the reason (or excuse) we have a bad set.  As long as that pisses you off and causes you to try to make the next set your best set ever, you'll be just fine.

Be that as it may, I'd like you to ask yourself where you're going with this comedy ride you're on?  Maybe you have a clear picture where you want to go, as I mentioned in my post about goals.  Maybe you don't.  If you don't, please read my 4-part Frustrated series of posts.

Regardless, you might know where you'd like to be, but do you know what it entails?  Do you know what you'll have to go through to get there?  Do you want to do what it takes?

The idea for this post came to me on a Saturday afternoon on the road between shows.  I was in a comedy condo, flipping through the TV channels, with about seven hours until the show (if you've never stayed in a comedy condo, many times that's an eye-opening experience in, and of, itself).

My daughter's just getting old enough for things like sports and cheerleading.  Is she going to be okay with me missing her events because, "Daddy's away somewhere telling jokes"?  Am I going to be okay with it?

The other day my wife joked about an opportunity that came to me possibly leading to me announcing for the Philadelphia Phillies, something I've always said I wanted to do.  It was a joke, because the two had nothing to do with each other.  However, the reality is that I'd be away from my family for more than half of the year, each year.  Sure, I can be home some during home stands, but they play baseball on Memorial Day, Father's Day, July 4th and Labor Day, not to mention weekend games.

My point is we need to get a line on our goals, start to understand what achieving our goals will take and figuring out if we're willing to do what's needed to achieve them.

I work with a lot of frustrated comics, and that's not just because most comics seem to have emotional issues.  I think it's safe to say, most comics are not happy with their status in the comedy world.

While I've written before about being willing to do what it takes, e.g. go to multiple open mics, guest spots, driving far for low or no pay gigs, writing every day, etc., I don't know how many comics think about what else it would take...and if they're willing to do that.

By happenstance, and the luck of geography, I'm producing my first (and maybe only) show, and it's with Craig Shoemaker.

What's significant about this, besides Shoe's huge list of credits (TV, movies, stand up specials, etc.), is that he is retiring from road gigs at the end of this year.  After years and years of going on the road, across the country, Craig has decided to stay close to his home in California, do his radio show and whatever else he wants to do from the proximity of his home, to be with his family.

Shoe comes to lil ole Somers Point, NJ

Some of us comics wish we had Craig's career.  Some of us wouldn't have gone on the road to begin with.  That is your choice to make.

I encourage you to make your choice, and OWN your choice.

If you want to be a local only comic who has a day job and never really leaves the area, more power to you.  Just don't get mad when you only have a certain amount of gigs.

If you want to be a road comic, and deal with all it entails...get on the road.  I just spoke to a comic who drove from the New York area to Cleveland, slept in his car, just so he could do a guest spot at a big club in Cleveland.  After the set he was passed at the club and never went back there.  He just wanted to do it.

What are you willing to do?

Where are you going with this comedy thing?


P.S. If you want to see Shoe in action (something for the bucket list) you can buy tickets below.  Sorry, friends and fellow comics, I can't comp you because it's a door deal and I'd like my family to be able to eat.

A TV Pilot? You Just Never Know

Last week, I had the good fortune of co-starring with New Jersey's Bad Boy of Comedy, Mike Marino, in his TV pilot, RECONSTRUCTING JERSEY.

It was an awesome experience!

Along with Mike, I got to work with actors like Ronnie Marmo from General Hospital and movie actor Cylk Cozart (who also directed the show); comedian/actors like Michael Wheels Parise of  Rollin' with Dice and Wheels...The Podcast (yeah, that Dice...Andrew Dice Clay) and the lovely and talented Sunda Croonquist (who played my wife!); and legends like New Jersey's own Uncle Floyd.

Me, on the left along with most of the cast and crew

While I fully hope and expect to have my publicist's assistant typing these blog posts in the near future because I'll be too busy after I accept my Emmy for best supporting actor in a sit-com, our Emmy for best comedy and our Golden Globe for best new show on television, I know it could end up just being a great experience.  An experience where I met and worked with some really great and very professional people, cast and crew.  And, maybe I'll get to use it as a credit for comedy intros for a few months.

I'm leaning towards a ten season network run, but that's just me.  What can I say?

Either way, it was unbelievable.  And, I had to get out of a weekend gig I had booked months ago in a club I hadn't played before.

Even if the club never lets me in (and I hope they do!!), it was well worth it.

Why am I telling you this?  Well, for one thing, it's my blog, so if you don't like it you can go pound sand!

The other reason I'm telling you is because I want you to know that you just never know.

Mike Marino and me in AC 2012

I first met Mike a couple of years ago.  He was scheduled to call in to my morning radio show to promote his one-nighter at The Borgata in Atlantic City.  Near the end of the call-in I half-jokingly asked him to let me open for him, and he kindly invited me to the show, and back stage.  However, I had a gig already, so Mike told me to meet him at Tony Boloney's pizza shop in AC the day after the show, as he would be shooting some DVD extra stuff.

I have to tell you, I almost didn't go.  Not that I didn't want to, but I kind of felt that Mike was just being nice, and I might get in the way.

Boy was I wrong!  Mike wasn't just being nice.  He had me co-star as myself in his caper scenes where he "stole" the Tony Baloney's delivery truck, which can be seen on his DVD Live From The Borgata Casino Atlantic City, NJ.

A couple of months later, Mike got me a guest spot in a club I hadn't gotten into myself.  And, over the next couple of years, Mike would check in with me from time to time to see how things were going, and to let me know when he'd be back in Jersey, as he was based in L.A.

Meanwhile, I was doing my comedy thing, ultimately working my way into The Borgata myself (shameless plug: see me there the week of June 23rd).

Then seemingly out of the blue, because it had been months since we last talked, Mike called and asked me to be in his pilot.  Okay, it's Mike Marino, NJ's Bad Boy of Comedy...he more like TOLD me I'm going to be in his pilot.

The Crew - me, Wheels, Mike & Ronnie

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

In this business of comedy and entertainment, you absolutely have to hone your craft and be the best you can be.  Sadly, however, that's usually not enough.  There are thousands of comics and actors who are very good at what they do, but no one really knows it.

But you also have to put yourself in the right place at the right time.  I know, that isn't easy.  Hell, it's not even something you can predict.  Yet, I had a hand in getting into this pilot, two years ago, by asking Mike to open for him and showing up when he invited me to film DVD extra's in AC.

If I never asked him, I wouldn't have been invited.  And, if I went with my initial feeling and didn't show up, I'd never have gotten the guest spot, the subsequent friendship, and the call for this pilot.  Mike's a very generous person, but he's not going to call someone who blew off his invite and didn't bother to show up.

In other words, I put myself in a position to be in the right place at the right time.  They say it's not who you know, but who knows you.  And because of our relationship, Mike knew me to call me.

UNCLE FLOYD, Cylk Cozart, me

You always need to network at every one of your shows.  I love working with the comics I know and love, but I really love working with comics I've never worked with before, because it's a potentially new relationship of friendship and mutual assistance.

Yes, mutual.  Networking isn't trying to get what you can out of people, it's doing what you can to help THEM.  To bring back the quote from my post about the late John Pinette:  Hell of a Nice Guy , motivational speaker and business trainer Zig Ziglar said, "You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want."

I always try to get my fellow comics booked, or at least get them in front of someone who can book them.  It's not always an eye for an eye, so to speak.  You might not be in a position to help the comics you meet.  Lord knows there's not much I can do for Mike, comic to comic.  But, you can be their friend, take their advice, come see their shows without any thought of getting anything out of it, other than relationship.  And, you can help other comics...you know, pay it forward.

Comedian Mike Eagan, who has been a tremendous friend and help in the business, has always only asked one thing of me:  that I pay it forward.  Help other comics whenever I can.  He doesn't know this, but the first time we ever met, at a gig, was an indirect link to this pilot.  Consequently, he got me into the club for the gig I had to cancel to do the pilot and I was apprehensive about telling him.  But, true to form, Mr. Eagan told me I had to do the pilot and not to worry about cancelling the gig.

If I ever make it big in comedy and/or Hollywood, the list of people I will need to thank is long...but I know every single name on it.  I am extremely grateful for the people who have given me advice, a leg up, an intro, a spot...or a part in a TV pilot.

I also know that it didn't just magically happen because these people simply met me, or that I was entitled to it.  These people had to like me.  They had to see me do well and take my craft seriously.  They had to see how I work with, and help, others.  We had to have a relationship, so when the timing was right they would think of me.

Sunda Croonquist & me hamming it up

At the risk of sounding holier than thou from atop my soap box, go do something.  If you're the type of comic who's only in it for themselves, people will see you as a taker and not really want to work with you.  If you only hang out with your same comedy club or open mic friends, you're going to be stuck there.

If you're reading this and you are jealous of me, or coming up with reasons why I got in this pilot (he  must have dirty pictures of someone), then you missed the point entirely.  I don't ask that you're happy for me, but maybe you can use this as a catalyst to put yourself out there.  Expand your horizons.  Show up early to your shows, watch the whole show regardless of your status in the show and network with the other comics.

And if you can't put them in a pilot, or get them into a club, that's totally fine.  Just be nice to them.  Maybe bounce ideas of off them.  Be interested in THEM and not in what you can get out of them.

Maybe one day down the road you'll get a call.  It could be a gig, or a booker that someone referred to you.  It could be someone looking to you for help with a new bit.  Hell, it could be a pilot, or a movie.  Or, maybe it's just someone who needs your help or wants your friendship.

You just never know.

Ronnie, me, Wheels & Mike Marino (on phone)

 Photo credits:  All Reconstructing Jersey cast and crew photos by Richard Hoynes

Now we're censoring ourselves?

Michael Sam was picked by the St. Louis Rams, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL.  When it happened, I tweeted that of all the teams to pick him, of course it had to be the Rams.  A non comic friend replied, "It could have been worse, it could have been the Packers."

Sometimes, the hecklers have better lines and you just need to go with it.  But, I digress...

I'm typically not a topical comic, my set is observational and personal.  Every so often, if something newsworthy comes up, and I happen to have a gig within a few days of it, I'll throw in a joke or two about it.

Most of the time my topical jokes stay in Twitter and Facebook land, with all the other comics' jokes on the same subject.

They should stay there anyway, in my opinion.  In comedy we worry about doing the same premise as another comic, the same joke, or having our jokes stolen.  Doing topical headline jokes, every comic in the known universe is focusing on the same exact subject at the same time as you.  There are going to be tons of the same exact joke.  It's very hard to not be hacky at that point.

But lately it seems comics are doing something strange...they're censoring each other.

It's weird because, these days, it seems that the public is just looking to get offended, especially at a comedy show.  The spot light is on comics because of cringe comedy and rape humor.  Daniel Tosh handles a heckler with a rape joke and all Hell breaks loose.

A lot of famous comics defended Tosh when it happened.  Not necessarily the joke, or even the subject, but the fact that the woman heckled him and it was a comedy show.  Comics cried out about being censored, the public looking to be offended, and you should expect it when you heckle a comic, especially one like Daniel Tosh (come on, have you seen his TV show?).

"The point I was making before I was heckled is there are awful things in the world but you can still make jokes about them." - Daniel Tosh

Locally, and I can only write about what I know and see, most comics seemed to follow suit - defending Tosh's right to say whatever he wants at a comedy show, especially when being heckled.

However, now just two years later, I've seen a ton of local comics cry foul when other comics make jokes about something, or someone, topical that offends them.

Hey, everyone has their threshold, everyone has stuff they hold sacred.  But it goes beyond that.  It's hypocritical, because it's selective.

My joke about Michael Sam was pretty benign.  Personally, I have no problem with Sam declaring he's gay, him playing in the NFL, nor kissing his boyfriend upon hearing he was drafted.  But, as a comic, to me, a gay man drafted by The Rams begs for a joke.  Same with him being given the number 96 on his jersey (I can't believe they did that.  Come ON!)

Yet, I saw many posts from comics...purportedly funny, jovial, jokey comics...all threatening other comics with the dreaded Facebook deletion if they joked about Sam.  Some claimed making jokes about Sam meant you weren't a comic, you were just homophobic.

Same thing with the untimely and tragic death of actor Paul Walker.  Many comics lashed out at those who made jokes about it.

Please.  Because you like the Fast and Furious series, it's offensive to joke about Walker's death, but other deaths and topics are fine?

When I was a kid, a beloved Philadelphia weatherman was killed in a parachuting accident.  Within seconds, kids all over were telling the joke: "What's the last thing that went through Jim O'Brien's mind?  His feet."

I'm not condoning the jokes, but it's always been like that.  And obviously, it's not just from comics.

But let's get back to comics.  Many of the upset comics regarding Walker and/or Sam made missing Malaysian airplane jokes.  So, it's okay to joke about 239 missing, and probably tragically killed, people whose names you don't know, but how dare someone make a joke about a gay football player or Vin Diesel's co-star?

If you enter the topical Twitter, Facebook comedy arena, you have to be prepared for all of it, from every side.   There will be gay jokes, death jokes, racial jokes, political jokes, etc.  Hell, Jimmy Fallon kicks the shit out of the botched roll out of Obamacare every chance he gets on The Tonight Show, and I'm pretty sure he's an Obama supporter.  Topical comedy knows no bounds.

Be offended when the joke isn't funny, to anybody...not just to you.  That means the comic just sucks.  THAT'S offensive.

Really, stop being a hypocritical baby.  I don't like all of the jokes out there.  I think some are "too soon," or hurtful for the sake of being hurtful.  But, comics have the right to say what they want, both on stage and on their status/page.  And, if they bring the joke to the stage, the audience's response will tell them if they have a good joke or went too far.

However, if this is truly a hill you want to die on, topical comedy censor, then make sure you're not standing in that proverbial glass house when you cast your stones.  Make sure you're not just being selectively offended.  Next time you're ready to post a topical joke, make sure you can't possibly offend anyone with it.  Only then, when your house is in order, will I even consider listening to you complain.

Who am I kidding?  I probably still won't give a rat's ass.

Your ego is WAY out of line

In my last post, 6 Tips for a Great Open Mic, I mentioned that having people critique you is essential to the process of your comedy career.  At the same time, many comics won't stand for that; they don't let anyone tell them anything, good or bad, about their act.  They don't accept tweaks, punchlines, tag lines, set-up trimming or anything else.

Well, this video shows the biggest comic in the country, who is in movies, and who writes, directs, edits and stars in his own TV series on FX, explaining how he's about to host Saturday Night Live for the SECOND time, and HE needs to have someone edit his set.  He needs outside critiquing so he can tell if his jokes are funny, or not.

Louis C. K. on Opie & Anthony discussing his SNL monologue (NSFW)

What can I possibly add to this that isn't mentioned in the video?  If you don't get how huge your ego is for thinking that everything you write and everything that comes out of your mouth is the funniest thing ever, you need an intervention.

It's 5:36 long, and we would all do well to watch it over and over.

This video was brought to my attention when comedian Mike Sgroi shared it on his Facebook status.  Mike writes and interviews for AmericasComedy online, which also has a page on Facebook at AmericasComedyFanPage.

6 Tips for a Great Open Mic

In my last post, Are You Screwing Up Your Open Mic?, I wrote about how the typical open mic can actually be detrimental to a comic's career, based on the way many are being run.  Below are some tips on how to make a great open mic.

As you probably already know, there are typically three types of open mics:

1. Club open mics are run by the club, have their own set of rules and come with the onus of wanting to do well in front of possible club reps so you can get into the club.  Veteran comics use the club mic to sharpen their skills and work new stuff out, while newer comics are generally trying to get in the club with their best three minutes.

2. Full show open mics are just that, a show with an MC and closer.  Notice, I wrote closer, not headliner.  Typically, the closer is a really good MC or a feature in the area because the money is minimal.  You're charging people to come out on a Tuesday for a show that's basically ten open mikers in between an MC and maybe another MC.  You're probably not going to be able to charge more than $5.

3.  Of course, the typical open mic is a bunch of comics in a bar/restaurant with one of them starting off as the MC.  Usually, there is no charge but you're expected to eat and drink at the establishment to keep using the place for free.  Sometimes you get a private room and sometimes it's in the main room with built in audience not paying attention while they drink their beer and watch sports.  Sometimes, these also are open to musicians.
 
For the purposes of the information below, I'm not including club run/sanctioned open mics.  As I mentioned above, club mics are a different animal. 


WAYS TO MAKE YOUR OPEN MIC GREAT

1.  PROMOTE IT!!!  Not just the person who started it, but EVERYONE who typically goes to the open mic should promote it.  It should be treated like a real show.  I don't think it's done on purpose, but it's really weird to me that some open mics seem to be kept secret.  There is no point to that.  In fact, that's the opposite of what an open mic should be (notice the name: OPEN mic).  It's probably more a case of comics just not thinking about promoting it rather than purposely keeping it private, but it happens a lot.

You want a steady flux of comics coming in, whether they're on the road and stopping by, new to the area, or just looking for a few minutes of stage time.  If you see the same faces every week, it tends to become more of a coffee klatch (okay, beer klatch).  I know, that's a bit harsh since we all live where we live.  My point is try to get new blood in as often as possible.

In addition to posting it in the various comedian Facebook groups and your own page, you can list your open mic on BadSlava.  It seems pretty thorough, however I noticed some old, cancelled mics on the list.  Apparently, once a mic dies no one thinks to let the site know it's done.

And, you really want an audience, too, if you can manage.  Did your joke just kill because the comics all know you, or was it really funny?  If a bunch of strangers laugh, that's a better indicator.  Conversely, comics can also be stingy with the laughs.  So, you might have the greatest punchline since Henny Youngman, but your faux hipster cool colleagues are too busy tweeting an ironic reference to laugh.

2. SET SOME RULES - I know, we got into comedy because there are no rules.  Bullshit.  Do a blue set at a corporate gig, and, as you come home without your check, see if that booker, or company, ever books you again.  Or, blow through the light at a club and see how long it takes you to get back in, if ever.

Cram it up your cram hole, Lafleur, there are rules in comedy and you know it.  Deal with it.

The rules should mimic club rules.  Comics should get there early, as per sign up times.  They should obey the light.  No heckling.  Pay attention.  Don't talk during other people's sets.  Be a good audience for your fellow comics.  They should be expected to stay for the whole show.  And, laugh, dammit!

It's up to you how you want to treat comics who come in late, but club open mics won't let a comic go on.  Also, if you let one person come in late, eventually everyone will start to show up late.

Don't be afraid to set ground rules regarding type of material, especially if you're charging people to be there.  Obviously it's an open mic and comics should be free to explore, but you don't want your audience walking out.  There's a difference between a comic trying to go blue with a bit and a person who seemingly just heard his/her voice over a PA for the first time and loves the way cocksucker sounds every three seconds.  Well, who doesn't, but still.

3. LEARN TO HOLD YOUR LIQUOR - Really, don't drink...that much.  If you need a couple shots to get the nerve to go on stage, so be it.  If you think you can have great timing and do a great set while buzzed, who am I to tell you not to have a few beers?  But, when you start to stumble, slur your words, spit out 53 "fucks" and a few racial slurs in a four minute set, etc., you can't hold your liquor.

If you do it once, that's okay.  Learn from it.

If it's your "thing" then you're more of an alcoholic than a comedian.  Get help.  Seriously.

If you're in charge, and the person keeps getting sloppy drunk, you have three options:
A. Kick 'em out all together; ban them
B. Always put them on first, so they can't be drunk on stage unless they show up drunk (which is really messed up)
C. Always put them on last, so they don't mess up the show or walk the audience.  Of course, they may get loud and obnoxious waiting all that time, so option A might be the best bet.

4. LEADERSHIP - If you're just looking for a place to hang, then this whole post has been lost on you.  However, if you're looking to really hone your skills and move up in the comedy world, you will either want to take ownership of the open mic, so as to enforce the rules, or elect leadership for that purpose.

I know, I know, more business world crap that you were trying to escape by being a comedian, but come on, most of us have full time jobs anyway while we try to make it in comedy.  It's not a foreign concept.

Besides, I'm not talking about quorums and board meetings with votes and Robert's Rules.  I'm simply talking about one or two people who are tasked with enforcing the rules, policing the event and talking straight to comics who cause problems.

Just like you hope the clubs you play have security to handle obnoxious patrons, you want everyone at your open mic to behave professionally.

Remember, the venue owner wants to make a profit, he/she's hoping you eat and drink and attract a crowd.  Throwing up on the stage, or complaints from patrons will spell doom for your open mic.

5. CLEAR COMMUNICATION - As with any facet of life, clear communication is key.  That means clearly stating the rules you have for your mic.  Post them on the sign up sheet, on the door or tables at the venue, and consider having the MC run through them at the start of the show.

This also means talking straight to comics who violate the rules.  It sucks, but this is your open mic, your career.  If someone can't respect that, can't be professional, they need to be told to shape up or ship out. 

Nothing's worse than going to the open mic you know is going to get ruined because Skippy won't shut up and no one will say anything to him because they don't wanna harsh his mellow.

6. CRITIQUES - One of the toughest things to do as a comic is to get better.  That's because we typically don't have mentors.  We don't tape our sets enough, and critique them.  And we certainly don't like other comics telling us what we should or shouldn't do in our acts.

Really, we all have huge egos, and if we wrote something, we know for sure it's comedy gold, dammit!

If you choose, you could have all the comics at the mic take notes, or you could designate some more veteran/accomplished comics to do it.  You might even be able to get a headliner, or known comic, in your area to come in as a guest to do the critiquing.  Best case scenario for that would be to have a full show where he/she is the closer and gets paid a little something, but you never know.  Some comics enjoy helping others for no other reason than helping others.

It's a delicate situation, because, again, most of us don't take too well to being told what we didn't do well.  Therefore, you need to make a policy of telling the comic what they did well to go along with any critique.  And, let any comics opt out if they don't want to be critiqued.

It might not be feasible to have the critiques on the same night as the open mic, and nothing says they have to be done in front of everyone else.  But being given a tag line by a veteran comic is invaluable.  Being shown how to make the set up to a joke that much shorter will do wonders for your act.


***

If the only things you can do from this list are promote your open mic and not get sloppy drunk, that's a plus.  You might not have the power, nor the will to run an open mic like I suggested.  And that's fine.

Just be aware of the list, and make sure you are doing your absolute best to utilize the mic for what it's supposed to be...a tool to help you get better.

(UPDATE) Since I first wrote this a video regarding critiquing has come to my attention.  Click here to go to my next blog post with the video.

Are you screwing up your open mic?

It's Wednesday night again, time for the local open mic.  There's Bob and Sally.  Here comes Sue and John.  Cletus and Marge texted they were running late, but please order their usual jalapeno poppers so they come out just as the two of them arrive.

It's Cliff's turn to host; actually, he started the thing so he hosts pretty much every week.

A couple of beers later, just after Angie does a pretty good four minutes on how her boyfriend's an asshole, Ralph takes the stage.

Ralph goes up and after a couple throw away lines, nails Jason with an inside joke one-liner that makes all the comics laugh.  Then he does a call-back to something in his larger set, but not something he did tonight.  The comics all snicker and snort with familiar delight.  Ralph smirks, throws up the double peace signs and says, "That's my time, fuckers!"  Everyone screams for joy.

If I just described your open mic, it's not really helping you in your comedy career (or Ralph's).

Open mics are for stage time.  Open mics are for practice.  Open mics are for sharpening your bits.  Open mics are for hashing out new bits.  Open mics are for a lot of things.  They are a useful tool to help comics...new, veteran and famous.

Open mics are NOT supposed to be inside joke-laden clique fests.  Yet, many become just that.

Do your best to not allow yours to fall into the clique trap.  Or, if you have no control over the event, rotate through different open mics, or leave that one all together.  It's not helping you.  Side note: you should be going to as many open mics as you can, so rotating through different ones is a good idea even your home open mic is stellar.

The issue is that we want the laugh, and we're typically afraid to fail.  We're especially afraid to fail in front of our friends.  When you hang out with the same group of comics, they become your friends. 

So, rather than try something you just came up with, to see where it goes, you go to your A-list stuff that you know works.  Or, you rip on the other comics in the room, or rip the room.  Etc. etc., you get the idea.

But getting the easy laugh in front of your gang doesn't help your career.

 "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." 

- Winston Churchill

While Churchill's quote can be applied to many aspects of your comedy career, it shows up easily in the beginning at open mics.  The best way to learn is through failure.  That's why Domino's Pizza has their new commercials where they say failure IS an option.  They encourage their chef's to try everything.  Regardless of if you like Domino's pizza, they are a hugely successful company, and have been for many years.

If your goal is to succeed by making the other comics laugh at your open mics, I feel you're missing the point.  Killing at an open mic doesn't necessarily translate to killing at paid gigs.

Furthermore, the more comfortable you get with something, the less enthusiasm you will have for it.  Think of sports teams that get rid of managers who've won for them in the past.  Did the manager suddenly suck?  No, the team got comfortable with the manager and slacked off while the manager got comfortable with the team and didn't challenge them anymore.

The way to move forward in anything is to continually challenge yourself.  That way you'll rise to the occasion, or at least raise your game a notch trying.  Doing the same open mic, with the same people, week after week can have you fall into a rut.

So, if it's not workable for you to go to more, or different open mics, you need to do your best to make yours the best it can be for you (and for the other comics).

Click here to go to my my next post, where I give you some tips to make your open mic great.

Are you still doing that comedy thing?

One of the most annoying questions comedians get from their friends, family and acquaintances is some belittling version of, "How's your comedy career going?"

Sometimes it comes out as, "Are you still doing that comedy thing?"  The implications are both that they expect you to have moved on after you got it out of your system, and that it's not a career for you because you're not famous...it's a thing.  "Are you still doing that doctor thing?"  You don't hear that too much.

After you bite your tongue so as not to berate them, you politely tell them yes, you're still in comedy.  They then proceed to launch into a bunch of different things like trying to tell you a joke, or talking about a famous comic they like, etc.  Click here for my post on Things Not To Say To Us After A Show.  While it was written to the audience who just saw a show, most of the things they say to us are the same things our family and friends say whenever they see us.

One of the questions they finally settle on is, "When are you playing near me, because I'll come see your act?"

No, they won't.

Oh, they have every intention of coming.  Some of them might even make some sort of effort.  Yet, by and large, the vast majority of people who tell you they're coming simply don't...even if the show is in their backyard.

To be fair, things come up.  Life happens.  However, the bottom line is it's just not that important to them, unless you can get them to buy tickets in advance.

Up and coming comedian Jay Watkins (@jaywatkins83 on Twitter) inspired this post.  He was coming off a show in NYC where his friends had promised, yet again, to come to a show, and, yet again, failed to show up.

Jay's people go beyond just not showing up.  According to him, some of them flat out lie.

Someone once told him they were stuck at home without a ride, yet later posted online from a BBQ that was fifteen driving minutes from where they lived.

Another person said they got there but the show was sold out.  Jay sent them a picture of the 10-15 empty seats he was staring at after the show started.

Jay also had someone ask him to record his set and put it up on YouTube.  I love this one.  You're not important enough for me to get up off of my ass and come see you, I'm certainly not going to pay to see you, but if you do all the work for me, I'll point and click whenever I get around to it.

While Jay probably needs to get new friends, the idea is the same.  Excuses upon excuses as to why they don't show up.

If it was really important to them, they would show up; bottom line.  If someone wants to do something, they will find a way.  Likewise, if someone doesn't want to do something, they will find an excuse.  I'm not saying your people actually don't want to see you.  I'm saying their perception of what it will take to get a sitter and physically go to and sit through a live comedy show outweighs the ease of staying home or going to Applebee's.

My advice is to not worry about them, and expect nothing.  Every time someone tells you they will come see you, understand they probably won't.  Don't let it get to you.

Besides, the real problems come with the ones who do come see you!

First and foremost, I cannot tell you how many "friends" think it's funny to tell me they're going to heckle me at the show.  I know, 99.9% don't really intend to heckle me, and I would have no problem blowing them out of the water if they did, but it's such a dick thing to say.  If I owned a restaurant would you threaten to send back your order, or give me a bad review online before showing up?  Shut UP!

Next, watch how fast you're expected to go from comedian to concierge when someone you know is coming to see you.  Holy shit!

"Can you get me comps?  Can you save me seats?  Just put your jacket on a couple of seats for me.  How's the layout of the club?  I don't want anything too close or too far from the stage.  Make sure you say something funny about Bob's job promotion.  What time do you go on?  Are the other comics funny?  Do I have to stay for the whole show?  Can you get me backstage?"

Then they call and/or text you when they get to the venue so you can help them, direct them, meet with them, etc.  Anything and everything that has to do with them, and nothing that has to do with you preparing for your show or being an actual performer.

"We're here!  Where do we park?  Did you save us seats?  Do we just mention we're here to see you?  Okay, we'll be inside in about five or ten minutes, so why don't you wait out front for us so we know where to go?"

If you haven't experienced this yet, you will.  There are only two ways to deal with this, one being move out of town and forsake everyone you know.

The other is to pre-frame, or future pace, your people.  This technique works wonders in all aspects of life and business.  It's preemptive communication; it sets up expectations.

Simply put, tell your people what to expect, where to find info, and what not to expect.

"That's really cool you're coming to the show Friday!  The show starts at 9pm, and parking can be tricky if you don't get there early.  The best way to get all the info you need and any questions answered, is to call this number (or visit this website) for reservations and information.  I'm going to be pretty busy before the show, but would love to hang out with you guys after the show.  Thanks again for coming!"

I know, it's like I just told you how to add 2+2, but you would be surprised at how very assumptive people are, and how we typically don't communicate very clearly.

So, this was a happy post, huh?  Most of the people you know will tell you they're coming to see you, but never will.  And, the small percentage that do come out will likely burden you with all sorts of ancillary crap that gets in the way of you just being a stand-up comedian.

Good news, the hotel down the street is looking for a concierge and you're highly qualified.

Joke Thieves

If you look up the definition of comedian, or stand up comedy, you'll read all about performing.  There is not one mention of writing, or performing "one's own material."

Yet, unless you're a late night talk show host, it's pretty much an unwritten rule of stand up comedy that your set is supposed to be your own, for the most part.

Of course there are comics who use the occasional "two guys walk into a bar" type jokes that they obviously didn't write themselves.  And, there are a few comics who buy jokes from writers or other comics...however, those jokes are supposed to only be used by the comic who bought them.

For the most part, your set is supposed to be your own; something pretty much only you do on stage, the product of jokes and stories that you created.

Yet, I constantly hear about joke thieves...comics who steal other comics' jokes and bits.

Why steal jokes?  More importantly, why do you want to get the reputation for being a thief?

Okay, back in the day when times were different, if you were a Vaudeville, or, later, a Catskills, comic, you were expected to keep coming up with new jokes and routines, almost nightly.  Still, joke stealing was frowned upon, and caused many a physical fight.

I know, Milton Berle used to be infamous for lifting a joke from other comics.  That doesn't mean the other comics liked it.

Click here for a link to a Time Magazine article about Patton Oswalt's take on joke thieves, based on his June 2013 blog post titled "A Closed Letter To Myself About Thievery, Heckling And Rape Jokes."

Click here for Patton Oswalt's blog post in full.

Actually, in doing what minimal research I do for my posts, when I came across Mr. Oswalt's post, I started to feel like this post might be considered stealing from his post.

So, just know that I started writing this post based on my personal experiences and conversations with other comedians BEFORE I read Oswalt's post.

Patton Oswalt is one of my favorite comedians working today; he's brilliant.  Really, you should stop reading my post and read his right now.  Then YouTube him for countless hours (two of my favorite clips are "comedy magician" and "Stella Dora"), buy a CD/DVD/download, and then buy two tickets to his next show in your area.

Patton Oswalt - he'll bust a cap in your ass if you steal his jokes

In his post, it's clear Oswalt abhors joke thieves, and he offers some insightful reasons as to why comics might steal jokes.  But, I'm still not satisfied.  I really want to know why this happens.

I'm not talking about accidentally doing the same premise, or even the situation Oswalt describes where he misremembered having come up with a joke early in his career that was really a joke he saw another comic do on TV.

In fact, I'm not even talking about the purposeful pilfering of one joke.  I don't condone that, it's still stealing, but I'm talking about something else.

I'm talking about the continual stealing of jokes, and, worse yet, whole bits or segments.

Why would you do that?

Before I ever got into standup, I could recite George Carlin's A Place For My Stuff album verbatim, voice inflections and all.  Big fat hairy deal.  How many clubs would I have gotten into if I just went up and recited Carlin's act?  And let's say I got passed by some younger bookers/owners who didn't recognize the bits.  Eventually, someone would've said something.  I'd either never get booked again, or have one chance to shit or get off the pot with my own material...and I'd fail miserably if I was relying on reciting stolen routines.  

George Carlin - A Place For My Stuff (whole album)

That's what a joke thief is, someone who can recite other people's stuff.  A thief apparently thinks so little of themselves, and also doesn't care about the other comic(s) they steal from, either.  The other comic came up with the bit, worked it out at open mics, and got it to the point where it made the audience laugh.  The thief just takes the fruit of all that labor without putting in any of the actual labor.

The joke thief would have probably taken steroids if they played professional baseball.  Anything to get an edge.  Actually, that analogy doesn't work, because professional ball players have put in the work.  They already have talent, they're just looking to enhance it.

Then there's the thief who does the stolen material IN FRONT of the comic they stole it from!!  WTMF is that???  Who has that kind of balls??  And why?  Are they trying to get caught?  Beat up?  What?

Sometimes, a thief takes a bit and forgets where they got it from.  Sometimes they inadvertently end up working with the comic they took the bit from, and SURPRISE!  That's why you should always watch the show, no matter which slot you have.  You're always looking out for someone doing the same premise as you, so you can acknowledge or avoid it when you go up.  And, apparently, you also need to know if the comics before you took your shit and did it ahead of you.

But, I've heard of thieves taking jokes from comics they're working with that week and using the comic's jokes in front of them the next night!!!  Wow.  Why don't you kick their dog and take a shit on their shoe while you're at it?  I'm not sure if that's total, obnoxious arrogance, or total, obnoxious ignorance, but it's something.

I want to know, are joke thieves oblivious to the reputation they get, or do they just not give a shit?  Does the potential for getting laughs outweigh the concern of being liked by your peer comics?

I wish I could tell you that owners have standards when it comes to stealing.  Some do, most don't.  If the thief is getting laughs, the owner is typically happy.  If you complain, most times you will be told to deal directly with the thief, as it's not the owner's problem.

If you're worried about people stealing your jokes, one of the things I've heard over and over again from comics is to make your jokes as personal to you as you can.  If you're a 40-something divorced African American woman with two devilish kids, that's something a 30 year old white guy can't make his own.  Now, if that same woman just did topical humor, or did typical male vs. female or black vs. white humor, her jokes would be more susceptible to being stolen.

In the grand scheme of Wars On (insert your issue here), joke thieves won't insight the masses like the Wars On Guns, Drugs or Christmas.  However, the results will be the same.  Christmas isn't going away, kids.  Neither are joke thieves.

I think we, as comics, should speak up whenever we see it happening.  I'm not advocating getting into a fight because you saw Sally Smith do Bob Jones' set on going to the movies.  And I'm certainly not saying you should say something based on hearsay.

I know there's a fear of repercussion if you confront the thief, or even tell the manager/owner.  Even so, shouldn't you at least tell the comic whose jokes were stolen?

I get it.  We're usually conditioned to not get involved, to look the other way.  But as hard as this business is to break into, to get paid, to make a living and to go beyond that, shouldn't we at least consider policing and protecting our chosen profession?

What if you were the comic who had their stuff stolen?